Willing and Chilling

Its not that I'm "getting used to" my current situation, but there is an undeniable calm about me that I'm enjoying- I get the odd flash of "I should be doing more!!!" before I remember that I'm actually doing quite a bit, its just that I'm pretty good at organising stuff so that I don't hit panic mode -that often! The pace of yesterday for me was perfect: I got things done without stress or resentments. My efforts to pay my council tax failed yet again and the council sent me a very nasty letter informing me that the DWP were going to take my salary directly etc. I got a call from them this morning after I emailed saying "steady on chaps!" and discovered that they'd added a digit to the account into which I've been sending payments but couldn't tell me when this had happened so "under the circumstances" they wouldn't be sending the boys round! To be fair; the woman with whom I spoke was very pleasant and it was nice to put the 'phone down feeling there was at least one less wolf stalking my door.

My excitement about heading off to Featherstone Castle in a couple of days is mounting! I even packed my case yesterday and made a list of the things that aren't in the case that must be packed to ensure my contentment whilst staying in a 13th century building with limited heating. Pinkie will be staying with me on Sunday and we're picking up Blue and a dutch faery on Monday.

The peripatetic lodger appeared yesterday with his daughter: he get's custody on Wednesdays and he brings her here. I suppose it is inappropriate for him to take her to where ever he's been sleeping recently. It would not be possible for me to care any less about where he has been staying, but his casual disregard for my objections to him simply not showing up for weeks without so much as a "I won't be around for a while" PISSES ME OFF! I do not want to share my house with mere "lodgers" which is why I let supposed friends live with me at "mates rates". I made it clear to him before he moved in that I wanted someone who would do their share of keeping the place habitable and that if he wanted to hide away in his space it would not be the right gig for him. I also said that although the room he'd be occupying would be his private space I would object to it becoming a perpetual pig sty. I had a look in there yesterday and realised that perhaps I should have been a lot more explicit. It is perhaps lucky for him I'm feeling basically chilled at the moment as I was able to keep my irritation out of my admonition. Mind you: he is more than a minor sociopath who will enthusiastically agree to any and everything in any given situation, only to have forgotten it as soon as he leaves. I have researched getting a replacement lodger and found that the mates rate I'm charging is at least £80- £120 less than I could be getting... But then I find myself going round in circles thinking that I'd rather foster a kid than have an unknown lodger!

I still reel from the wasted experience of housing my godson for 4 years! If I had had to care for a truly troubled teen it would have been a more rewarding experience than dealing with the arrogance of a kid who was clever enough to organise a cushy number where he was not only no longer bullied, but didn't do anything for four years and ultimately wasted every opportunity and all the time he was given. It did teach ME about my own expectations and projections: if I did foster a child now, I would be much more open to facilitating THEIR aspirations than my own. One issue for me is that I don't want to do it when I might be financially dependent on it...

So: last "working day" before off on 'retreat'. I have been working on a "structural fund" for our old "main project", the deadline for submission is when I'm away so I have to do it this weekend. I got a promise from one of my colleagues to read and comment on what I'd sent but nothing has come so I will just have to do it myself. I'm not confident of success: our approach appears too radical to some of these funders and even though this is called the "Fresh Ideas Fund" (!) its guidelines at this second stage are pretty much business as usual. ALSO, I noticed a potential bias against community interest companies that has been the reason for not getting THREE recent applications... The problem with that is I can't get the existing Board together to discuss the change. Becoming a CIO is not a casual romp: it will take months of hard admin- by me. I think I might have found two new (female) members to join.