All about me!

I've been being bugged by the boss saying in the last meeting I had with her that "You think it's all about you!" I was surprised. -This was a "catch up meeting" -the first since she'd finally told me my job was surplus to her requirements and I'd been away on leave too. Was I wrong to assume that what was going on for me, how I was 'coping'/responding to the challenges of the situation in which I found myself should feature in the conversation? The boss speaks in mild, modulated tones and expects, because she is boss, not to be challenged. I'm not very good at that. When an incident occurred with one of her managers interacting with one of the poisonous tenants, despite getting two independent reports from both me and the manager concerned, she chose to side with the 'accuser' by 'reminding' us that all workers are "Ambassadors for the company" and she expressed "disappointment" that the issue had come to her. I replied expressing my disappointment that her own staff couldn't count on her support in face of encounters with external people making unfounded accusations.

By the time of the meeting above I was a mess of emotions and unsure how to deal with the boss: as I have said; contradiction is "aggression", so I sat in a relaxed pose, smiled and endeavoured to think about my responses before I said anything. I realise that it is more than likely that I DID couch what I said in terms of how I felt and reacted to the problems I was experiencing in order not to say accusatory things about her, her strategy and her actions. I have learned that, rather than attack people- which usually elicits their defenses, it is better to share how their actions affect me or how I have interpreted them. It does amuse me that the boss, who gives plenty of jaw-action to "person-centred" this and that, failed to see that in favour of choosing to feel attacked. She might believe it, but she clearly doesn't understand how it works when dealing with actual human beings.

Last night, that tightness in the chest and feeling of not getting enough oxygen persisted. I KNOW that it is about having to return to work on Thursday. There is nothing I can do about that at the moment [though I did get notice that an application that could fund me as Coordinator of the Bridge House Project has survived the first round] so I have to suck it up and carry on. I have made decisions not to pretend to be delivering community development work any more: the cafe and other projects will cease because there isn't any point in pursuing aims that will bear fruit after March 2017 and one of the weekly groups will have to stop because there's no more money and there'll be no Bonfire Night celebration for want of £11,000. I will happily sit in my office and twiddle my thumbs  as long as I get paid. I also realise that if they want me to take on different tasks to fill the capacity freed by them making it impossible for me to do the job I went there to do, they will have to renegotiate the contract.

Best of all though: Its only 4 weeks till I have 9 days off with the Albion Faeries at Featherstone Castle for Samhain :-)