Wildewire

I sat down to write this entry a couple of days ago but my preparations for leaving my job caused uncharacteristically busy days. I handed back keys and laptop and phone and LOTS of responsibility... and the security of a slightly laughable but vital wage check...  The adults with learning disabilities who are looked after by the organisation I've just left wanted to say good bye to me. I told them in complete honesty that they always cheered me up and were the best thing about my job: they greet me whenever they see me even if that's a dozen times in a day. Of course I've been reflecting on my current situation. The mistake was that my job was conceived without assessing whether it would be allowed within the organisation's "Charitable Objects". It turned out that even though my job was to create a separate, linked organisation that would do things that were outside the 'main' charity's "objects", the Charity Commission ruled t...

Yesterday was SO WEIRD. I got to work and expected to be able to update my blog but in fact didn't get a chance to write more than a first line.(I'm going to finish it later today) At my Redundancy Meeting on Tuesday, I was offered the opportunity to leave immediately. Had they not offered me an acceptable severance- nothing fancy but at least I won't have to work my month's notice, I might have taken up the offer, but I knew that a lot of stuff would just get dumped on other workers here and I felt that wouldn't be fair. I agreed to stay on till Friday to tie loose ends etc and perform a proper handover.  By yesterday I was regretting it due to coming up against the strange logic of the Finance Manager- yet again. I have been managing up to 13 different activities funded by a dozen or more funding sources so of course I was going to have several interactions with this person but a couple of them were downright odd: In one: I suggested a simple way for one of ...

I'm reeling from the discovery that anyone actually reads this blog. Unfortunately, despite avoiding most names, someone has identified them self in one of my posts and has taken severe exception to what they found. There ARE people I have criticised and slagged off in this blog, it is my only socially acceptable response to the amount of 'sucking it up' I feel I am often forced to do. If one of the people I've actively criticised discovered this blog and vented their anger I'd be largely unconcerned but as it is someone who now, wrongly feels I have been untruthful to them whilst slagging them off behind their back I am sincerely saddened and seeking to make amends. I write this blog for my sanity! I find myself in situations where I am expected to be calm and polite and to accept the unacceptable with grace whilst a scene from a Kung Fu movie featuring much blood and carnage plays in my mind. I have been a lot more calm and able to deal with the crap on my p...

So, almost at the end of the day yesterday I got an email from the boss marked "Redundancy Warning": next Tuesday morning a meeting has been set to discuss my exit from this job. I felt so relieved. Of course they're going to try to wriggle out of paying me any compensation so I'm trying to find someone with experience and gravitas to be my advocate at the meeting. Sadly the people I know who would do this brilliantly are in London. Previous redundancies in this organisation have been instant and clumsy. I have no reason to expect anything different. I am torn between making the appropriate preparations so that the negative effects of my departure will be minimised and just leaving them to work it out for themselves. I have been reflecting on how different this might have been had my boss shared with me the decisions of the Board of Trustees to terminate my contract when it was made in February. They honestly thought I would stay for another year as their careta...

My friend and his on/off lass came to collect some things from me at work yesterday. She was even more sour than has become usual. She made a couple of comments about my friend not being able to take care of himself as if he was floundering without her. She wants him to give up his lifestyle and live with her in a house where he is not allowed to move crockery, to cook without her "cleaning up after him" i.e. putting things away as soon as they've been used so he has to relocate them to continue cooking. Its obvious that until or unless he gives in to the attrition she will wear that face. I will avoid visiting him while she is there and I will tell him if he asks. I won't waste time on "advice" because what I'm writing is what he said about her the last time they were together. I don't dislike her per se, but I hope this stint doesn't last very long; her relationship with my friend is toxic.

I am involved and engaged in a wider range of activities than most! It is not surprising i suppose that such a range of issues niggle at my existence. For the most part; the grit in my ointment is inconsequential, but occasionally they conspire in concert to test my patience. Hmmm... when there is a major issue bothering me is when the mass of minor frustrations are most irritating. The more intractable the problem- if it is dependent on the actions of others for example, the more antsy I become. It is at those points that I have to be more alert about not snapping at people or overreacting the small stuff because I've let my feelings about real issues spill over into the minutiae of life. The internet was lost from work just after lunch yesterday. I was finally sending a piece of info to officially close the admin for a grant I raised last year but was unable to complete it with no internet. I went to find the appropriate worker but his response appears to have been to go ho...

After fire alarm tests etc I went to Leadgate to meet the owner. The lass was there- talk about "buzz-kill"!:still on her "it doesn't matter what I say" trip. I found myself looking to the not too distant future where she'll be off the menu again and calling him all the names under the sun. The meeting went OK... I think we made it clear that the excellent relationships Garry had developed over preceding months had all been lost. Where there had been joshing and camaraderie it seems that the workers have been told not to engage with us at all. It is also apparent that the local ward councillors  have had some input into the disastrous current situation where we're now having to negotiate creating an opening so we can have a gate out of our property to the new cycle route and road beyond. It was good for me to be able to explain what we're doing and planning to an enquirer. I think the sooner we get the local councillors in and shown around, the...

It took me sharing an email from the owner who said that the yard of the building we're renting and renovating looked "like Steptoes" to galvanise Garry to organise clearing it- something about which I have moaned and goaded for MONTHS! Gary will get a donation of thousands of pounds worth of glass for example; made up into bonded double glazed windows- to be sold as people come forward with building projects etc. But he will have the delivery dumped in the middle of the yard where it has to be negotiated for every activity. My concerns include rats and fire: there are stacks of wooden pallets all over the place and I fear mischievous local youths.  PART of the reason things got so bad is because I wanted to raise the funds to pay people to do the work. With hindsight that was a mistake, but so much had already been done by volunteers I think the administrator in me wanted to make his contribution. It still didn't excuse Garry's lack of organisation: I would r...

So... I went back to work yesterday and found a "return to work after sickness" meeting scheduled with the Boss. Fine.  It seems that getting 'signed off work' for "Work related stress and anxiety" was the thing to do! She expressed her surprise- she'd no indication of my distress. I told her it was a first for me in 32 year of work but that it was the only way I could avoid a major meltdown that probably would have ended with me bashing someone. I explained how stressful it was to have a meeting with someone who expected me to almost literally "disarm" myself in every way because ANY dissent or contradiction was characterised as "aggression". I told her that I had needed the two week break more than I had realised and that I was now MUCH more relaxed about the whole thing: I told her I had NO interest or commitment to what was left of my job but that, because my job hunting hasn't been successful and I am still awaiting struc...

I went out with a girl at university who thought she could mould my sexuality to her convenience, I got the hots for her brother! I stopped seeing her. Last night I visited a friend who has 'got back together' with a woman with whom he has had an on-off relationship for several years. Whenever they get back together she does exactly the same thing: she criticises his lifesyle, clothes- everything until he has had enough sex and kicks her to touch which gives her reason to don the sackcloth and ashes and tell the world and her auntie what a bastard he is and what she'd done for him etc etc. She sat there with a face like the proverbial slapped arse for most of the time I was there- I would have left before I did but I was hoping the dense fog might lift. It was classic non-verbal communication of angst or "sulking" and we're not talking adolescent here (by a long chalk) -though mentally perhaps... I don't get it how people can hook up with people wh...

A friend dropped by yesterday with his on-off 'girlfriend'. Judging and commenting on other people's relationships is pretty poor, but... Is it better when they're 'as bad as each other'? -The man wants sex, the woman wants to mould the man into the partner she wants. They come together and part acrimoniously when the woman admits she can't change him or when the man decides she's gone too far. So, they're back together about 3 months since the last bust up. I was privvy to the final exchange of text messages but have enough experience not to have made my true feelings known- I thought it would be temporary- as long as neither of them hooked someone else. It has only been since the weekend, but she is already back into her old habits of dressing him and telling him his lifestyle is crap -which it is, but he likes living as he does. I think once he's had his sexual fill she'll be out again. The calamitous experiences of almost ALL my str...

I've been being bugged by the boss saying in the last meeting I had with her that "You think it's all about you!" I was surprised. -This was a "catch up meeting" -the first since she'd finally told me my job was surplus to her requirements and I'd been away on leave too. Was I wrong to assume that what was going on for me, how I was 'coping'/responding to the challenges of the situation in which I found myself should feature in the conversation? The boss speaks in mild, modulated tones and expects, because she is boss, not to be challenged. I'm not very good at that. When an incident occurred with one of her managers interacting with one of the poisonous tenants, despite getting two independent reports from both me and the manager concerned, she chose to side with the 'accuser' by 'reminding' us that all workers are "Ambassadors for the company" and she expressed "disappointment" that the issue had co...

OK so I have been applying for jobs for a while- certainly since early June when I FINALLY found out what my employers had decided in February bu declined to share with me- that my job was to be axed. I HAVE been equivocal about applying because of my fear of ending up working for yet another employer who doesn't know what they're doing, lack the conviction to achieve their stated aims or stop me from pursuing agreed aims when they become successful more quickly than they anticipated- or ever believed was actually possible. Nevertheless, the application I submitted were as sincere and enthusiastic as I could muster, I have occasionally applied for jobs I really wanted when I knew I wasn't totally 'qualified' but I was convinced I could do them well, but not this time. It is quite deflating not to have been shortlisted for ANY of them. One of the jobs was fund-raising for a LGBT charity with which I have had some ancient ties (though not directly with the branch in...

When I met Idris he was 19 and it was obvious he was attractive and talented- both great building blocks for a successful acting career. When I saw him act it was no surprise he got immediate job offers. I may have been there at a good time, but it was pretty clear to most he was 'going places'. I wrote a play around 1989 called "Battieman Blues": a two-hander about black gay love. I'd been thinking about the story for a while but when a new play writing festival was announced I finally put thoughts to computer. My script became one of those chosen for a festival and I was given the opportunity to audition actors for a rehearsed reading and later production. I invited half a dozen or so black actors to my partner's Hampstead house and was generally disappointed. One guy looked and sounded great but was severely dyslexic so the idea of him performing a rehearsed reading 2 days later was just silly. Idris stood out but when I offered him the part he said s...

I used to write- a lot! OK, so I still do, but very little of it is creative per se: forced to write reports and proposals and funding bids almost every day I try to make them as creative as I can. I always imagine making sure the paper fulfills what the 'commissioners' need but can be easily understood by ordinary folk. I used to stay up until very late tapping away with a contented heart. I've started writing reminiscences of my time running the London Lesbian and Gay Centre and got swept away into all sorts of research and note-jotting until the early hours. I used to do that all the time. I wrote first drafts of plays like Battieman Blues and Quick Phyllis, Grab a Dyke and Dance Your Way Out; Its a Raid!  pretty much in one sitting! I remember feeling like, if I stopped I'd lose my 'flow'. It was like that last night and although my mind was still singing with ideas, I managed to get a good and refreshing sleep. The great thing about writing is that,...

My tolerance of intolerant people has never been that high but I think that of late it has fallen further. When I first met a friend of a friend who'd started espousing alarming theories about the "true" shape of the earth and that everything we have been taught about basic realities, history etc is a lie promulgated by the Rothschilds, Illuminati and rich Jews etc I realised this individual was the source. Logic is wasted on this guy; when faced with what a reasonable (sane?) individual might see as facts that challenge his fundamental beliefs he will dismiss them as "programmed responses" e.g. "The ISS doesn't exist", "Hubble images are faked", "GPS is fake"... 2 days after the massacre at the Pulse nightclub I arrived at my friend' for a visit, this individual was there and immediately asked me what I thought about it-[what he actually said was "I suppose you believe this Pulse nightclub bullshit"] but before ...

I am enjoying not having to deal with the crap of my job! I know I have to go back after next week but this time feels really beneficial for me. I still get a strange and uncomfortable feeling when I think about trudging back to the madness: its like taking a full breath but not feeling like there was actual oxygen in it. I think it to be a physical symptom of my emotional angst- akin to a panic attack I suspect (I've never knowingly had one). This is a new experience for me. For as long as I can remember I have presented strength. I was beaten with belts for minor infractions as a child [e.g. not emptying waste bins into the main bin and putting it out to be collected... on Christmas Eve! - My mother couldn't afford presents so found a way to say that I didn't deserve them!!!]. My defiance was to take the abuse with stoicism- apart from showing my parents how much I hated them and to fixate on the day I would leave never to return. Giving them the pleasure of my tears ...

I have this stupid feeling that because I feel my life has hit a nadir I should be entitled to a lottery win (LMAO). I KNOW nothing works like that but it should! Cashflow is a problem at the mo so it was nice this morning to receive a tax rebate larger than my monthly salary (VERY timely!) AND to find £20 in the back of my passport- I needed info from the pp for the government site login. I can't imagine what it was doing in there or how long its been there, but it was a welcome find! It was a quiet weekend for me. I am definitely regaining my equilibrium re my "Work-related stress and anxiety" but the more calm I become the more obvious it is that for me to continue doing what I am currently doing for money is for me to continue to be stressed and anxious. To be clear: its not that I am at odds with their development plans (I disagree with them but I'm not in opposition), it is because they have dropped the work I came there to do but want me to run their buildi...

I have got a LOT of stuff through which I have to wade at the moment. Instead of attacking my mammoth 'to do' list I found myself indulging in quite pleasurable reminiscence writing about my time as General Manager at the London Lesbian and Gay Centre. This was prompted by a typically snide article on www.vice.com that made it sound like it was a TOTAL failure, but more importantly (!) left me out of the narrative. In the mood I'm in at the moment, that could not be allowed to stand, especially as I was responsible for the Centre's ONLY period of profitability in its near ten year history. I SHOULD be working on selling stuff made by Eurotrash Upcycled : an enterprise making furniture etc from shipping pallets and recycled materials. I've invested every penny I have into the Bridge House Project which the community interest company I founded is trying to deliver this year We've got a couple of thousand pounds worth of stock but no cash to ensure that peopl...

I would benefit unquestionably from access to "Talking Therapies" right now but with nanti handbag I'd be at the mercy of public provision, the luck of the draw and a minimum of three months waiting time. Meanwhile, my friends are taking the brunt of my ramblings- and writing this is a help. Yesterday began to feel good without the strain of resisting the impulse to get in my car, drive to Head Office and bitch slap a couple of my perfect superiors. That calm was spoiled when I foolishly checked in my work email to see if there had been any acknowledgement of my sick leave- there wasn't but instead there was an example of the behaviour/attitude that prompts my murderous thoughts: The summary is that a guy who bid the lowest to cut hedges and weed paths at the building I manage turns out not to be able to produce an invoice. I suspect if forced he might have managed something but he asked me if I could  do it for him. I was slightly peeved but only because get...

Well; that was easier than I expected! I'd been being pestered by my GP to come in for a review of the medication I take. When I made the appointment, it occurred to me to ask about getting a certificate signing me off work for my mental health. When I explained what has been happening to me and how I am reacting to it the doctor gave me a certificate for two weeks re "Work-related stress and anxiety" and I IMMEDIATELY felt better. Stress and anxiety is accurate. I am challenged regularly at work but never allowed to respond or retaliate with all the tools and weapons in my defensive arsenal. It is like being sent into an arena where I incur severe penalties if I raise my hands in defense. It is my place to be insulted and blamed amongst people who pretend they are infallible. Remember that I was pretty much a 'golden boy' until I uncovered the cock-up behind my job being created in the first place. Since then I have been sidelined and dismissed as a simple ...