Wildewire

Its just as well I am not returning to work today as I am nowhere near back to 'full strength' not to mention coughing and sniffling regularly. This cold is sapping my energy and I should buy shares in tissue paper! Its a little disappointing, but not surprising that not much has changed on the home front: one lodger has been home alone with the cat for much of the time and couldn't even bring himself to clean the toilet that only he was using let alone more than cursory "cleaning" and four days after returning, I have had no contact from the other one, who owes me money and I feel is treating me with disrespect. When he does show his face- usually on a Wednesday when he get's access to his daughter, I will ask him exactly what HE thinks is going on here. Any trust has evaporated and I need to take steps to protect my property and security. It is so sad when supposed friends seem to mistake generosity or disinterest in financial gain for weakness. It is on...

My cough had really taken hold by Wednesday. I was going through tissue paper like confetti. I had little energy for any of the fun things people were doing. I did take Jarvis out for a walk at one point to get some fresh air. There was an odd mood to the castle as the die-hards dwindled to about 40?. I found it hard not to be judgemental of people who were floating about being Faeries whilst boring farts like me cleaned up after them! It was hard not to fantasise that several of the people who left today were avoiding clean up duties tomorrow! It is hard for some not to become totally self-indulgent after a week of affirmations. It fascinated me how things 'loosened' even further in the last couple of days: meal times were when they were ready and were/were not announced, the pre-dinner names circle fizzled out which was  shame as it had been a moment when we saw who had arrived or left and it gave a moment to 'fix' names to people... apart from those who thought i...

So: on a day when LOTS was going on: picnics by the river and a teddy bear’s event in the castle and much madness and mayhem, I finally succumbed to the coughing lurgy that has been dancing around the gathering. I suspect Moss to be “Typhoid Mary” in this instance lol as we were smoking together the night before- it was worth it for the laughs! I went to Haltwhistle for some nasty chemical cough medicine that has, in the past been very effective if I nip the contagion as early as I can. Woke up to a “modified” Gun Room, courtesy of Cary which was pretty cool. There are less of us here now and it gave the space a bit more intimacy. Around lunchtime five of us set out for Hadrian’s Wall. Another car load was also going, one of the family was uber irritated that they hadn’t finalised arrangements “Where the hell are we actually going?!” I tried to help by googling and came up with Brampton. We got to Brampton and found that the wall was over three miles away and headed for Lana...

About twenty people have left and there is a different energy at the castle. I was in a very reflective mood all day. A tad bitchy too: one guy said to me "Oh you're always in here!" I said "Hmmm and every time I see you, you have food!"lol Had a chat with Shokti about problems with the Heart Circles...  Found out that I am, in addition to being "Double Capricorn with Libra rising, a Metal Rat"! There is another one here, but I confess to have been avoiding him- there is something strangely predatory about him I dislike. Which leads to a key grappling point for me: I feel too easily judgmental no matter how much I try to avoid it. I am unable to "love" everyone I meet when they transgress certain rules for me like invading my space or being overly aggressive or arrogant or dismissive or superior. Whilst these days my outward expressions of those feelings are suppressed I am still processing them internally. There is another person here ...

A really cool day was slightly  marred by the surprising thoughtless carelessness and arrogance of an individual but more of that later… I got to spend a lot of time with Jarvis today. I know he’s ok in the room, but I didn’t like to see him alone so I found Choice and asked if I could take him out. In the event Jarvis pretty much led, he was particularly keen to investigate rabbit warrens and we found a rather well- made football which he immediately attacked. Later, in the Gun Room he had a great time systematically destroying it. He was pretty chilled hanging out with him till Choice came to feed him. He ended up staying in the Gun Room later than I did.  Today was a lazy Sunday and things were allowed to 'slip'. Quite a few people left today for work tomorrow, some taking others who needed lifts. There's a different feeling in the castle today. The weather was a bit chilly but sunny, locals appeared with dogs at a respectful but no doubt curious distance. Qui...

There's a tradition at these events to have a talent show/cabaret towards the end. When I first encountered this at Laurieston it was great: a mixture of "party pieces" and first-timers sticking their necks out to overcome fears and perform often for the first time it could be moving and profound. Performers did so in the certainty of a good response. Sadly for me; that perfect audience  meant that literally anyone would then step up- the worst- and final such event I attended was at Laurieston about 15 years ago where some guy subjected the audience to 23 minutes of "improvised piano"... He'd never played the piano before in his life. The "rules" meant that nobody could give him the hook, so they sat there like sheep. I left. The Faeries have entrenched that further by calling their events "No Talent Shows" and people are told "The worse you are, the more we'll love you!" Perhaps it is my background in training performers...

I helped Moss with a “fusion” workshop with groups of people wanting to dance, drum and paint simultaneously. It was a good idea and would have been more successful if it hadn’t been in the morning: several interested parties hadn’t quite sorted themselves out by 10:30 lol. It was good though. Snail did a “Jackson Bollocks” piece after getting bored using his painted feet on the paper lol. I was also down for kitchen duty so reported to Kaidos and made some hummussy concoction that went down well. Much pot-washing again. LOL there are people here who are regularly whingeing or offering “advice” but I have never noticed them actually contributing to the gathering. I only find myself even thinking about such things when I hear their improved ideas for this or that: usually things that had been thought about well in advance or done in response to issue the whiners haven’t thought about. None of what I’ve heard has been malicious- mildly mischievous at most or just stupid! For myse...

I just wanted to get the power cable for my laptop that I’d left at home so after a bit of toast I jumped into my car and drove to Newcastle. Lodger wasn’t up (no surprise). Jamba was pleased to see me, less so that I didn’t let him out, but at least I sorted out his litter tray. I did warn the lodger that he’d end up with much more unpleasant cleaning up to do if Jamba decides his litter tray is too full. I got the cable and, on a whim; my clippers and a couple of books. I was back at the castle before realising I hadn’t thought about doing anything else: it was as if I carried the Faerie Gathering experience with me in the car and didn’t want to risk losing or wasting it on any of that so-called “reality” shit! I’m sharing with Cufuffle, Kingfisher and Javis and who had all stayed up till almost sparrow-fart the night before and so didn’t actually arise until after lunch! -Apart from Kingfisher taking Jarvis out for a necessary walk before I got up myself. When they were at l...

Yesterday was great! Really into "The Swing, Man" and having fun. Yer Main Man was sick, seems like he's exhausted which a testimony both to the amount of energy that goes into creating space like this and the particular dedication of the powerhouse of the Faeries.  We had an "Orientation Circle", which was useful and I think got participants a bit more aligned and attuned to each other. It was ironic to note the absence of at least two people with whom I'd shared some energised discussions about their thirst for "Revolution at any cost!" as "The Only Way!", one of whom, completely mystifyingly to me, jokingly(?) railed against the "hierarchy in charge" [of the gathering] with their "imposed rules" [ROFLMAO!] and that "we" (??!!) should organise a coup. Now, this person is a "Veteran" (his word) of "Newbury" and [I forgot the others] and has ten rants for every conceivable issue with...

Pinkie called me from the Eagle at around 5 on Sunday. I went to get him and ensconced him in the lodger's room (his idea of preparing for  a visitor and mine are at odds but, "hey"). We had a pleasant catch up and chat. Monday Morning it was off to get some last minute stuff- and cat food before going to collect Blue and Raven and then heading off to the castle. I had been feeling weirdly apprehensive about the journey but only made one error- drifting across lanes at the junction from the A1 to the A69- which, to be fair, is not the best! We got to the castle at 11:45 and didn't have anything to do really until Shokti arrived with people and supplies. Pinkie got the 'eternal flame' going in the Gun Room/Smoking Dungeon over which he benevolently lords during the event. The main action was to get the Gun Room ready for the chill out later. By the time Cookie had sorted food about twenty of us were here. Wolverine was supposed to have been here, but he m...

Its not that I'm "getting used to" my current situation, but there is an undeniable calm about me that I'm enjoying- I get the odd flash of "I should be doing more!!!" before I remember that I'm actually doing quite a bit, its just that I'm pretty good at organising stuff so that I don't hit panic mode -that often! The pace of yesterday for me was perfect: I got things done without stress or resentments. My efforts to pay my council tax failed yet again and the council sent me a very nasty letter informing me that the DWP were going to take my salary directly etc. I got a call from them this morning after I emailed saying "steady on chaps!" and discovered that they'd added a digit to the account into which I've been sending payments but couldn't tell me when this had happened so "under the circumstances" they wouldn't be sending the boys round! To be fair; the woman with whom I spoke was very pleasant and it ...

I love working with other people and I absolutely hate it too! I love it when I get people together who agree to do stuff but I get twitchy when they're late and I remember that everyone's doing everything "at risk" unless I'm fortunate-enough to have cash with which to bribe them! Yesterday I completed my proposal for our new proposed Main Project- I'm really pleased with it and very excited to submit it, but it would be a mistake not to share it with my colleagues- they're a great bunch when I can get their attention! I have always to remember that they're not as committed to the company as I am: they joined as a favour to me initially and though they've all benefited from it at some time in the last five years... except Wayne who we all forgot was on the Board -including him lol I can't expect anything from them really. So, I get into waiting for responses and starting other things and forgetting that I'm waiting (I'd get annoyed...

There's definitely something in all that stuff "they" say about needing to get to the bottom in order to bounce back. I'm not being so dramatic as to compare the minor frustrations of my last year and a half to anything of real consequence. At fifty-five-and-three-quarters I get to notice the patterns of things in my life that just "happen" (Honest, Guv!) as well as my own stupidities and ego. I have a strong sense of duty to things I start- or more importantly; to the people I involve in the things I start. A business consultant acquaintance called me "Totally institutionalised" once because I wouldn't take the short-cut to getting my way he'd advised. I think I come from a fairly "traditional" place but when I see rules that no longer make sense or are arbitrarily in place to suppress creative expression or simple "common sense" I seek ways of changing them. These last couple of weeks have been a process of peeling o...

so it took a whole "working week" for me to get back the feeling and vision I need to move forward. It is ironic that "losing" the thing that has been my increasing focus for a year has revealed several clearly better- at least more easily achieved directions to follow. If my company is able to secure the building where I used to work, we'll be able to resurrect a couple of key initiatives that were culled around 2011 by pathetic Boards of Trustees lacking the backbone to attempt to resist Arse Council cuts that had been predicted for three or more years. Intercultural Arts acted as an agency for minority ethnic artists in North East England who were under the radars of all the major cultural venues in the region and it would embarrass the Arse Council to reestablish the North East Sustained Theatre project- though this time if I led it, members would have to show a lot more commitment from the outset: the last version was characterised by people sitting about...

What a difference a day makes and all that! I felt a bit flat and rudderless yesterday. Doom and gloom. Where do I go now? How do I survive this latest turn of employment events? What's going to happen to my company? The tenant at the building we've been supporting came to get files the owner asked to be returned. It seems the owner remains opposed to my participation... I think she believes I was to get some personal benefit from the project. I also think that she doesn't believe in my ability to raise the funds- which is fair enough I suppose: all she's heard is promises so far, though I thought I'd explained why I'd not been able to give it 100% untill (ironically) now. I suppose I COULD produce proof of the £19m plus I've raised over the last 30 years- at least £6.5m since I've been in Newcastle, but if there's no belief or trust there's nothing. So, its gone back to first principles: I will continue to help my friend to do the things he wa...

It is hard to copyright ideas, especially if you're inclined to be open and share information like me. I've experienced it several times... perhaps even "regularly" in my working life ranging from banging on about something that was implacably opposed whilst I was working in a job but implemented as someone else's idea within a month of me leaving. Or there's the practice of asking applicants for ideas that are given to the winning applicant to implement or a bigger organisation starting something spookily like something you've shared with them. I'm definitely a sucker in this: I buy into the community development thing completely. I see that the way for small not-for-profit community development organisations to have real impact is for them to share ideas and resources and to work together as much as possible. It makes no sense for organisations to effectively compete with each other for a share in a shrinking funding pie. I think the best way for...

Change is good! I like reassessments and to start again regularly; it is a way of reviewing what's been successful, owning my failures and resetting priorities. There was something very therapeutic about dumping almost all of the STUFF I've accumulated in the last 18 months of my last job. The fact that I chose to dump almost all of it spoke volumes to me: I've been unsuccessful in some of my past jobs by not achieving what I hoped I would when I started but this last one stings like a bitch! It was the epitome of being encouraged to get excited about something and then to be forbidden from pursuing it. From being the perfect end to my contracted work, my last job has been a personal disaster. I was working for a wealthy charity in a challenged community needing a lot of work. It seemed reasonable to plan a five year arc of work which would have seen me 60 and a series of independent community projects and enterprises surviving into the future. In the event I was able...

I definitely ain't no saint!  I turned down two separate invitations to stand for local government elections- not because I have anything particularly heinous or embarrassing to hide, but I've certainly lived a life the Daily Mail would find outrageous! I'm a bit addicted to helping people, quite a bit actually... Perhaps its more accurate to say that I'm addicted to helping people to achieve potential I've noticed in them. I seem to have been cursed with some incredibly talented friends who either lack my admin/management skills, are terminally shy, or don't actually realise how talented they are. Someone who is, in my opinion, the most gifted bass-player on the planet, who has played sessions for some 'global' stars makes a living working in TK Max in Exeter, playing occasional gigs with local bands playing music that hardly scrapes the surface of his abilities. Money has never motivated me. I have taken jobs that excited and challenged me positi...