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For some reason I was wide awake at 06:25 yesterday. I decided that was too early and tried to sleep. I was out of bed at 6:38 and off to shower. I helped Sarah in the wash-up for something to do and to keep my mind off the impending departure. I ended up being paired with the prat I encountered a couple of days ago and enjoyed his discomfort. 

 Last mornings are never easy at Laurieston. Goodbyes were poignant for the most part. It was a little different this time as there is the question mark over whether groups like ECC will come back to the Hall and if they do the format of the weeks are likely to be very different and also I have begun what could be a three year process to join the community there.We had to be gone by 11:00. I left around 10:00 after a coach had taken a large group off to Carlisle and I was back in Newcastle around 12:30. I have had a couple of invitations back and I can't wait to be able to accept them though I do want members of the Engine Shed team to come too.

  I am quite- very concerned about my lodger... Our relationship has a parental component to it. He has lived with me for years during which time I haven't really needed 'rent' from him, but I have realised that not charging him rent has allowed him not to apply his considerable talents to finding himself work. His 'back story' is a bit more traumatic than most, not that he talks much about it, but once you know what has happened to him and it is hard not to think that is is amazing he's not MORE messed up! Nevertheless I carry significant guilt about allowing him so much time to avoid certain responsibilities as he now seems unable to apply himself. I think that, were he 'assessed' by the right people he'd show up on the autism-Asperger's spectrum. I came home having made decisions about being firm on the demands I need to make of him to pay the rent I've asked for this year and for him to get out to work. It was soon clear that had I done as I had planned it would have been traumatic for him and non-productive. He has been alone for a week with only our kitten and one night that the other lodger deigned to appear [I'm going to deal with him separately!] I could sense his anxieties as I mentioned my longer term plans re Laurieston etc] -it was not a moment for 'playing hard ball'. You may read this and think I am a fool being played by a shrewd or lazy individual on a cushy meal-ticket. You'll have to accept my word that is not the case. A perfect example is that the guy builds websites, fixes computers and telephones as well as installs programes, trouble-shoots etc etc etc, but despite MUCH teasing, cajoling and open incredulity, he doesn't have a website of his own to give him a chance of regular income. I have given him to the end of the month to produce a website and I will let him off this month's rent.

 I went over to Leadgate and spent some time with Garry and the poultry! It wasn't Laurieston, but the potential of the place glows like kryptonite. Garry's ideas for the catering project are great and will give priority to clearing the yard so I am totally in support. There is MUCH about the Leadgate project that makes me want to walk out of my paid job and live hand-to-mouth if necessary to make it work. Unfortunately, whilst I have two lodgers not contributing what I need of them financially, I remain tied to a job that treats me like a caretaker... Still: I am able to demonstrate my contempt straight back at them by doing the barest minimum and doing it badly. FUCK 'EM!

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