Anger and Depression

I've been up for hours but late for work.

 I feel like I deserve an award for actually turning up! I felt like calling in sick with a "Mental Health Day". It is hard for me: I am thought of as strong, confident, aggressive, arrogant and perhaps all are true, but it doesn't negate the feelings of depression and anger when I find myself YET AGAIN working for people I simply can't respect. I have written about the toxicity of the working environment- made worse by the plastic smiles and 'stock' conversations- You know the ones: speaking logically to someone whom you KNOW understands what you're saying but chooses to appear baffled or (worse) refusing to accept logic over written procedure.

 By accident I've been reading some management training recently which has actually cheered me to bitter laughter as I compared my boss and the way she has been introducing her new ideas to my own ways of doing things which are more than endorsed in what I am reading. It is an amusingly "classic" situation of an insecure leader concerned her ideas will be opposed who chooses instead to create and confide in a core group of confidants. She gave manager "Admin Assistants" for which none of them had asked, then started briefing them confidentially and forbade them from sharing details with their managers, THEN she made redundant the Head Office secretary (who was not a fan) and has redeployed the Admin Assistants to do 1.5 days each at Head Office where their work is again "confidential". It is small wonder that the two managers who predate the CEO are convinced that they have recognised a pattern with them in line for the next chop.

 I am really depressed. Not just "angry" or sulking. I am struggling to keep a handle on my emotions. I want to kill then cry or just hide in a dark room. My biggest fear is one of these arseholes whom I have to serve as a fucking caretaker will piss me off enough for me to react truthfully. I wonder if that is a tactic: I wonder if they want me to do something that will enable them to sack me rather than doing the honourable thing and making me redundant. I am having to stop almost all the community development work I was hired to do because I am no longer able to raise funds to facilitate them. I want to go to my doctor to be signed off work for stress and anxiety but I doubt I could pull it off: people seem to find it hard to believe that someone like me can ever have those moments.

 I am desperate to walk out, but this has happened at the worst time for me since 2011. Had I known this was going to happen I would not have invested my remaining dosh into Community Hubs Network. The MOMENT any of the grants for  which I have applied are awarded and I can get some of my money back I will take pleasure in telling my employer she can take her caretaker's job and shove it up her arse!

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