Wildewire

A friend came round unexpectedly and disrupted my routine to the point of realising how ridiculous that routine had become! He, aided by herbal inducements, left me with a couple of new and exciting ideas for my way forward which I have already begun to explore and plan. I retain an underlying fear of ending up 'having to' work again for someone or some agency incapable of allowing me to fulfill my own potential and take the organisation to its logical point of development. I am completely sick of making people and organisations look good, receiving little acknowledgement for it and then being restricted to achieve the ultimate and obvious aims. It would be nice to be given the opportunity to thrive for myself for a change- even if I ended up failing. So: I plan a 'blended' income from being a landlord for the council's "Supported Lodgings" scheme to give care-leavers somewhere to live as they transition towards independence... -It annoys me that care-...

Oh dear... The problem with making plans is that they often depend on other people doing what they have agreed to do for them to work. I realise how naive I am to expect that and should plan for other people failing or actively fucking me over. :-( My plans have been holed below the water-line by both the people to whom I have provided accomodation. I knew I was taking a risk on the "homeless" guy who walked into my work in April, though he turns out to be more of a sad 'Smackhead' than a criminal mastermind, it hasn't stopped him taking money given to him by the state for rent and disappearing. He has left his clothes etc at my place and he has my tablet comp and a key to my home. He is where he was heading when I first met him, living with someone who facilitates his drug-taking so, despite admitting he knows it to be self-destructive and that he knows he needs to be away from that environment to survive, that's where he is. I didn' expect to be ...

The generosity of a friend cemented the liberation I've experienced on being released from that job. Elation is tempered by the awareness that I have one month to turn any dreams into financial realities. My dreams are HUGE and exciting and dependant on resources I don't currently possess, so I abdicated to my internal pragmatist and have been researching and applying for jobs. For the first time, part time jobs have an attraction for me: earning enough to keep home and hearth hale and hearty and giving me enough time to do the things I actually want to be doing would be amazing. I've lost track of how many jobs I've applied for to the point of attempting to start an application for one I'd already submitted.  It hit me that it is just safety-blanket; I lack the rock-hard conviction of the success of the great plans I've nurtured like ancient Bonsai for years, and that realisation is deflating my balloon. Or perhaps I just needed that realisation to tell...

Nearly 158,300 miles on the clock and scant maintenance over the last year has spelled the end for my car. It is frustrating because the engine is still a beast and the car will accellerate nicely up steep hills overtaking slow lorries etc but it is overwhelmed by a list of growing problems. I muse that having miraculously passed the last MOT test, subsequently I should have been reported to the RSPC-C if it existed. The fact that despite working, I wasn't earning enough to maintain the vehicle on which I relied to get to the job was a big part of my decision to leave. The back-beaking straw has been the failure of the bonnet-release: I can't access the engine to add fluids, change a light-bulb etc. I thought there'd be some knack to this but when a gang of mechanic-minded mates laboured for half an hour to sort it and failed it finally dawned on me that that horse has been well and truly flogged. One of the guys commented that the sound system was worth more than the c...

I sent a terse message to my erstwhile young lodger telling him that as I had heard nothing from him for three weeks I was looking forward to receiving four months of back-dated rent yesterday. That got his attention and he said he was coming back... In the end; I collected him. It is hard to explain the mess into which he has slid without breaking confidences. Suffice it to say that it is as I predicted. He has a choice: to go back to the life and contacts that contributed to him getting into trouble or to start something new at my gaff- away from those influences and supported to make better decisions. I KNOW how to get what he needs from the authorities to which he has to report, but none of the advice I or others have given him has he implemented. He will break down and be contrite when he fucks up, but it is as if he thinks that apologising will make everything alright. He tends to say things he seems to think I want to hear. Consequently; when I speak to him I can rarely be c...

As much as I like "new starts" they're only valid if I've sorted out what went before. Once I gave up the time-wasting notion of proving to my 'boss' that I had at least informed him of everything I'd done in my last job BEFORE actually doing it I realised there were more important things. After all: it WAS my decision to leave; they'd have happily put up with me whilst things were on the up AND there are a couple of projects I hope to go back to complete as an 'independent' so it would have been foolish to antagonise. It weighs heavily on me that I won't be replaced but that one of the supervisors will be expected to take on most of my responsibilities. I am concerned that the employers will take advantage of her mild manner. I have encouraged her to get the union involved to fight on her behalf. For my part; I tried to make sure there were no 'loose ends' for her to deal with by the time I handed back my keys etc.  Filing an...

A friend I'd not seen for a while contacted me and we got chatting. When pressed on my current situation I revealed I'd been carrying a not considerable, but bigger debt than I could service for the last couple of years. It has been obvious that the job I've just done hasn't changed my situation in any positive way. I need to get that debt sorted and there will be light at the end of my tunnel. My friend admonished me for not contacting them before (as if I would!) and told me their company has done so well in the last two years that he was prepared to loan me what I needed for at least a year!!! For reasons not worth repeating I was urged to come to get the cash in person. Travelling to London is an expensive business. I found a couple of cheap tickets but ended up going in the morning and not getting back to Newcastle until 02:00 just to save some dosh. Typically; once I got to London, I headed for Central Station where I had intended to spend the day but my card ...

As my flounces off go; my exit from my current incumbency has been relatively grown up and non-acrimonious. It has been three weeks since I composed and forwarded a letter of resignation dated for teh end of that week, but I met with my boss that Thursday and have been on what I believe is called Gardening Leave ever since. I did a little light email monitoring until last week when I handed back 'phone, ID etc to try to make sure there aren't any loose ends left dangling. I had planned a cunning cross-referencing of emails to prove a particular point about what my boss knew and when, but I realised it would make no difference and that I didn't care what any of my current colleagues think they know about me and what I have done. I have no intention of ever making the mistake of working in the public sector again. There were a couple of projects that won't happen if I don't organise them, I've got agreement for my company to deliver them, which was again; decent...

A job I particularly enjoyed, and where I managed to effect significant positive changes laboured under the lugubrious label of 'the North East Cultural Diversity Arts Forum' which meant little to anyone. The organisation was the product of an Arse(sic) Council funding 'rationalisation': there had existed "Arts Forums" for North East England African and different South Asian groups all asking for funds, so some bright spark thought it would be good to get them under an organisational umbrella. By the time I get the job the organisation had become a tedious monthly ritual of (male) "elders" droning on interminably about the age and relevance of their particular cultural background and why it should be given prominence. Personal "standing" was the most important issue: they were on that Board of Trustees for personal kudos. Their idea of an "Arts Policy" was to formulate unreasonable and unrealistic demands for access to stages an...

From time to time I notice the patterns I make in my life; the recurring themes, the 'deja vu and 'Oh, not again!' moments... I don't spend much time on self-reflective introspection out of a combination of embarrassment and fear. It hasn't stopped me unloading onto one or two toking-buddies on a regular basis, but I try not to be one of those who becomes so intimate with their own navels that they're end up being dull or even toxic. The fear is also about having to focus on the things in plain sight that I choose not to see or wrongly ascribe to factors out of my control. When I was a (sole black) first year drama student at university I was ever-so-gently cornered by all three of the lecturers and asked what I thought about playing Othello. I was surprised enough to think it was a joke and quipped that I couldn't play Othello (I was 18 and seven or eight weeks into a degree course) and that they were only asking me to save on make up (or something li...

I have found myself smiling contentedly a lot recently when I have been thinking about the fact that for pretty much the first time since I moved into my house, it feels like a home. My lodgers are a talkative gay classical pianist who likes face masks, sweets, small talk and offering cups of tea and the young straight guy I mentioned before who is shy and pretty insecure. The musician has managed to break a few things by misusing them lol and as a result of proximity to him I have consumed as much chocolate and sweets in the last month as in the previous year despite my (feeble) protestations. Living in this house has become less of a place to clean up and watch the latest installment of a dozen TV shows before bed and more of a place to talk and listen and eat together. Awesome! They're both very attentive to the house which is another first for me: one because that's the way he is and the other because he is keen to show that him being here is a good thing. One of the...

It has taken two weeks, but I finally feel comfortable that I have not made a mistake inviting my young lodger to stay in my house. Crunch came one night when, as I went to bed, I found myself picking up car keys and a couple of other items to hide them in my room. I was laying in bed unable to sleep so i got up, woke him up- he'd been sleeping on the sofa downstairs and told him that it was bloody obvious there were things he had been keeping from me and as a result I found myself filling in the gaps with all sorts of unpleasant potentials. That conversation ended amicably with him deciding it would be best for him to find his own place in Consett where he was heading when I met him. It was also obvious that he was not (just) getting over drug use, but that he is actually profoundly depressed. It is ironic that my friend who is THE artful dodger had suggested that the lad signed on and played the mental illness card. I of course dismissed this course of action but it is clear th...

So... I had my annual review at work. One year since starting and the improvements are obvious- not that I am actually claiming responsibility for all of them, but my contribution is clear. However: I am NO better off personally than I was when I started: I am still in as much debt and to cap it all, I find myself having to defer to people in superior positions who I think can barely do their jobs to do things I have done habitually for years... But then; they probably discovered before me that there is no actual point in excelling in a local authority job unless your ambition is to climb that particular greasy pole. Do well, and the most you might expect is a positive comment on your permanent file. -How thrilling. And, what more can one expect when working for public money?... A wage commensurate with the job would be nice. Liberation may have come in the shape of a grant offering up to £50,000 for running costs of eligible projects I discovered. I found our Leadgate Engine Shed ...

So, things have changed at the project I've been supporting for the last three  years: the owner of the building has indicated that she needs to sell it and will still sell it to the charity I have been trying to help set up anonymously - for MUCH less than she could get from a developer . Now, its chocs away and we're off! This is NOT the way I wanted it to happen, but needs must and we've decided to risk a (hopefully) quick crowd-funding campaign to buy the building: Save the Leadgate Engine Shed  It is very much at the "preview" stage: I accidentally made it "live" when I was trying to send the link to a potential "Lead Donor". So what you see there is work in progress, it will be completed when the drone footage a supporter shot today (in uncharacteristic glorious sunshine!) and the recorded comments from local people are edited and uploaded, I think the project will be irresistible. The amount of support for the project is growing an...

So, a guy came into work the other day asking to use computers as he was homeless and needing support. He is now my lodger. When he said he had carpentry skills and experience I thought of the Engine Shed project. I told him I was looking for lodgers and invited him to the Engine Shed to meet 'the custodian' who also thought this lad was 'the right sort' (gave him loads of food from the food bank) I drove back to Newcastle and... well; it seems to be working out. It is certainly 100% better than the recently vacated Radical Faerie who had been living with me until the beginning of the week when my patience finally evaporated... He is damaged, so not really his "fault" but it was frustrating to have someone in my house who would only communicate with me when he was drunk and who spent the rest of the time reacting to me as if I had done him some serious harm. Replacement lodger is a bit younger- I think he has accepted that I want nothing more from him th...

Last November, I was introduced to some ex-military veterans who were making items from wood as well as painting etc, as part of their recovery from PTSD/ transition back to civilian life. My expectations were low, so I was very pleasantly surprised by what they brought in to show me. I was immediately determined to create a pop-up gallery/shop for them at the earliest opportunity. A little later, I found out that a touring exhibition about the Durham Light Infantry was looking for a new venue AND that a local folk duo had a show based on world war one songs they wanted to present. All three came together and we even got the Deputy Lord Lieutenant of County Durham to attend and to present a plaque (made by the other veterans) to a 94 year old who was decorated for his part in the Artic Convoys in World War II. It has been a great success: the vets have been invited by visitors to other residencies and talks and they've been able to advise families who've shared that they ha...

I will have worked for my public sector employer for a year next week and it has been almost everything I feared it would be. Income is up, spending is down, visitors are up, more money has been made from hiring out space, there are 5 new retail or business tenants, local people are more involved and engaged, there are very few negatives about the place in the public realm and, due to a wizard wheeze courtesy of my superior; the big-spending problem department run by a stubborn, insecure supervisor with limited experience will not be my responsibility very soon. That will mean that the operation I run will be in profit which was the two year aim of the job. I have struggled to get a handle on the public sector procedures. Like my previous experiences of working with/in the public sector; the emphasis is on procedure and appearances rather than logic, practicality and common sense. No training is provided for labyrinthine procedures created in house, yet 'one' is expected ...