Best Laid Plans

Oh dear...

The problem with making plans is that they often depend on other people doing what they have agreed to do for them to work. I realise how naive I am to expect that and should plan for other people failing or actively fucking me over. :-(

My plans have been holed below the water-line by both the people to whom I have provided accomodation. I knew I was taking a risk on the "homeless" guy who walked into my work in April, though he turns out to be more of a sad 'Smackhead' than a criminal mastermind, it hasn't stopped him taking money given to him by the state for rent and disappearing. He has left his clothes etc at my place and he has my tablet comp and a key to my home. He is where he was heading when I first met him, living with someone who facilitates his drug-taking so, despite admitting he knows it to be self-destructive and that he knows he needs to be away from that environment to survive, that's where he is.

I didn' expect to be treated similarly by the other one: an acquaintance who contacted me asking if I still rented rooms as he was in need. I ignored several very dodgy details and actions in the pathetic belief that a "friend" wouldn't fuck me over. Yet, despite sharing with him how acute my need for his rent had become because of the Smackhead, he pretty much did the same only with the added insult of believing he had every right to do what he did and owed me not so much as an apology. His posessions are also in my home and he thinks he has a right to access them. He doesn't and will not get his stuff till I am reimbursed. ironically: my most powerful weapon against him would be to share details of his actions with his friends. -He is one of those people for whom what people think of him is of acute importance yet his sense of self importance allows him to believe he is somehow charmed and able to do what he wants without censure.

The effect on me is that the financial security I'd engineered is now as precarious as it was before as I am now unable to pay bills. I eat less and don't venture out. My stress is rising as I begin to fear another reposession crisis.

I responded to the crisis in my charateristically institutionalised way and have fired off about a dozen job applications- to no avail. A couple of days ago I got a rare message explaining why I hadn't been short-listed for interview: I was too experienced and would find it hard to focus on the specific activity the job required! I am grateful to them as most of don't bother to offer a reason which triggers a ripple of "Am I delusional about my abilities?" or "is my reputation really that toxic?" etc. This latest response gave me pause to think about the fact that I couldn't remember any of the jobs for which I had applied; it was like the contractual obligation of a Job-Seeker in receipt of benefit payments, but I am not in that position.

What-a-waste-of-time!

There is a light at the end of the financial tunnel that should be reached by the end of November. I  have to hang on until then and, in the meantime; I have two income-generating ideas, one of which I can do on my own, so I will start with that while planning the other which, if I am able to pull it off, will be a lucrative end to my working life.