Wildewire

This has been a difficult week: I have made a lot of contacts with different groups; I even drove all the way to Teesdale  to a Visitor Network meeting and arrived late having got lost.  I came back on the opposite side of the valley I drive past to get to work . It was stunning. I arrived at the meeting as they were gloating about their "hidden gem" status. My first contribution was to suggest that patting themselves on the back for being "hidden" was counter-intuitive for a visitor network because people just don't know about the region- people in Newcastle and Durham are as ignorant of the area as Londoners which makes the job of promoting it more difficult ("derr")... It has been a week of meetings which have disrupted my aim to have a draft budget to work on next week before producing a draft development plan for my boss the following week. I am finding the council's systems as frustrating as I expected. I understand the need for security ...

This was my favourite sculpture until it was dismantled after bits of it started falling off. " The B of the Bang " was positioned outside Manchester Stadium and signified the moment a starting pistol is discharged. My life isn't grand or important-enough for an all out "bang" but I'm near to managing a fully considered "pop"! Sadly, the sculpture was dismantled when one of its giant spikes fell to the floor- not hard to see why the council would want to avoid the potential of a citizen being speared by a giant spike. That is another reason I feel there is an affinity between the sculpture and my life! (lol). LOADS has happened since I last blogged! Ironically; when my life becomes interesting I find less time to blog. My new job is turning out to be really good!! My biggest problem is that although I have received my first salary cheque I am still struggling financially and seem set to do so for almost as long as I was out of work! The job i...

Of course they're not; its only been a month since I wrote about my Faerie Friends. Since my last blog post the rainbow flag has been discussed. It started with Philadelphia I think who added two brown stripes to the flag. It was a symbolic acknowledgement of the invisibility and marginalisation of people of colour in LGBTQ communities. Despite supposedly being hot on "spirituality" the symbolism of this gesture was lost on almost all who participated in the ensuing discussion. I took part at first; trying to explain that the fact that there aren't green or blue-skinned people wasn't relevant and that "yes" the rainbow flag is supposed to be inclusive but it clearly doesn't include everyone. Even Faeries to whom I consider myself close seemed not to get it. I sat back and observed the conversation become trivialised until it was easy to dismiss. It was a truly fascinating experience. I do feel a lot less close to the group as a result. I feel lik...

I'm a member of a group of "radical" queers who are committed to alternative ways of being and relating to each other. There's a Facebook page for the group where recently I posted a couple of things about racism in Gay communities. I posted them because I've been involved with alternative queer groups since the 1990s and have rarely encountered more than one or two other people of colour at any event especially if they're residential events, the same has been true of this group. I was curious to see how they'd respond. It was really sad that they responded in very typical ways. From dismissive to defensive: "Black people are racist too", "there is too much madness in the world"- to be discussing this at the moment, "there's plenty of racist white gays. There are also plenty racist black gays." This last comment was from the group's central figure and was most disappointing because of that. He presents a very spi...

I have been in bed since Sunday with abdominal pain and nausea which have kept me awake. I am exhausted and drained.  I am pretty sure it is trapped wind- no bloody joke when it hits I tell you! It happened to me a few days before my 30th birthday: I was working for Talawa Theatre and they had a belated office Christmas Dinner at some Mongolian Grill place- lots of near-raw vegetables and yummy sauces. The next day I was uncomfortable, by the evening I was in agony. To make it worse, I'd organised a big birthday bash at Central Station in King's Cross. By the time guests began to arrive, it was all I could to to lounge on a sofa and smile wanly... Until my Irish friend Eamon arrived, laughed, bought me a double port and lemonade and the pain went!!!!   am ever the optimist when it comes to my health so I refused to believe the excruciating pain I was feeling was anything more than trapped wind and that it would go away... Eventually. I'd spent Sunday with a ...

So writing this blog again served its purpose as a repository for my darkest fears but last Thursday I got an email saying that my references had been received and were satisfactory so my new employers would be sending me a start date. The next day, they asked me if I'd start the following Monday, I refused. I reminded them that I was unwilling to show up as "The Manager" when all I know about the business is that it is losing money. I asked for an organisation plan of departments with job titles, what the MONTHLY takings have been and costs for each department, how many business units remain empty, what the rents are etc... Can you imagine turning up to a job where a restructure is likely to shed jobs but you don't actually know how it operates?  My Line Manager relented, sent me some docs and we agreed I would start next Tuesday after the May Day bank holiday. I began brain-storming and one of my lodgers joined in. We had some exciting ideas but looking at the...

Three weeks after being offered a job I still don't know when I might actually start working! Being utterly poor it is one of those ironic times where I have time to be doing stuff but no dosh to enable me to do it: I have invites to the South of France and to Norway to visit friends but I can't afford to get there and  Sod's Law dictates that as soon as I landed anywhere I'd get a summons to start work back in UK. The problem appears to be references. Despite telling them, with three day's notice that one of my referees would be going on holiday for 2 weeks I don't think they managed to get the request to her in time. As for my former employers, it wouldn't surprise me if they put the request at the bottom of their in-tray: they went to extravagant lengths to make me understand how insignificant I was in the scheme of their things whilst I was being paid by them, why should that have changed? There is of course the possibility that they either give an unf...

One of my lodgers is finally in work for the first time in many years. He's got 'spare' cash for the first time in years and is experiencing the same as I did once thousands of pounds made it into my bank account after the sale of my mother's house in 2011: "yes I got cash, but I'm not paying that much for THAT!" Thwarted from his aim to buy himself something nice, he spotted a little cat hutch-type/bed thingy which he thought our mog would like. When he got home with it, I warned him that the cat was likely to sit NEAR it and wonder where the giant cushion to which he had grown accustomed had gone. It was amusing to watch the lodger all-but stuff the bemused feline into the present he had bought for it. We tried rubbing the cat's cheeks and using the cloth to smear his scent inside the structure- I'd seen that work on TV! -but the cat was unimpressed. The lodger was cursing darkly as we were laughing at him until he remembered the catnip. Havi...

Well, at least I found my passport! -It was where it was supposed to be too; in a file with alphabet pockets where I keep all sorts of stuff. Of course I'd looked there before, it has been about 7 months since I "mislaid" it when all the time it was hiding under a piece of folded paper. -Which is good because, with all the uncertainty about Brexit and the Brits "taking back" their black passports I didn't want to be forking out for a new one if it was going to change in a short while. On the plus side: every cupboard, draw or conceivable hiding place has been scrutinised and reorganised during my hunt for the travel doc. I need it to take to my new employer to prove that I have the right to work here! I've got a 60 mile round trip tomorrow to hand it and my certificates over to be photocopied. On the down side, I can't find my degree so contacted my university to get them to send me a registered letter saying I graduated with the grade I claim- but...

Its definitely good not having to spend so much time looking for my next possible job and all the research and preparation that went into submitting those applications. I've spent a lot of today archiving and organising files, generally clearing the decks for the new problems I'm about to inherit. I have to do a 60 mile round trip to hand over certs and passport etc to be photocopied to prove I have a right to work here. If it weren't for my mother paying about £58 when Thatcher was in power so that I could be "naturalised" (!) I might have been in danger of literally being picked up and detained as has been happening to people who had no idea their residence in UK was in  question. Its part of my process. Selecting where to put what files and information reminds me of what resources I have as well as highlighting things I need.  I've been looking at the last few years of accounts for the new job. The list of queries is long! I need to sit down with whoe...

For all my yearnings for self-determination in the autumn of my working life, I have been fortunate enough to have been offered a job. After spending eight months submitting at least two applications per week when I got a message inviting me to attend an interview I didn't immediately remember having applied for it! When I did, I remembered it was the first application I'd submitted along with an edited CV that I hoped would make me seem as nonthreatening as I could (lol). Mind you, in the mean time I'd missed out on a couple of jobs where I was confident of at least an interview. I'd written them with the same restyling and I know the person running one of them. To be fair: although that job was about arts development in communities and increasing participation; in which I have excelled, it was specifically about live music. I have supported musicians as part of the job where I first encountered the guy behind this job, but it is obvious that my specialism is theat...

My resume includes these interesting exits... I applied to be the General Manager of the London Lesbian and Gay Centre in 1989 when nobody would touch it: There had been a series of 'scandals' involving managers dipping into the tills, poor operational management, it was unpopular with many Lesbians and gays who saw it as an embarrassment and the idea to locate it in the arsehole of nowhere had come back to bite it by the end of the 80s. The Board of Directors were disconnected and openly anti "community" separatists who refused a lucrative deal to move into a palatial building off Regent St because they'd have to share 'power' with Gay Switchboard, Body Positive and The Covent Garden Health Spa. They wanted me to price out the riff raff so that they themselves would feel more comfortable visiting the centre. "We do not believe in the concept of a lesbian and gay community; we are in the business of selling food and drink"! I resigned, but of...

Well! That's been an interesting few weeks! Finding myself knee-deep in a keyboard battle was a fitting culmination. So I hang about with this group of "Alternative Types" a couple of times a year- The group I went with on the maintenance of the castle last month (but haven't blogged about yet. I will!), anyway: them! On their drive back after the event a couple of guys had a conversation about how they'd both felt more comfortable after the two women out of up to 15 people left. [sigh] One of them decided to share something on the group's Facebook page about maybe having smaller events for... 'specific' (?) groups. The whole story wasn't shared but ooh...! Those worms started popping out that can SO fast! I'd missed the initial skirmishes: I was talking to my friend in Leadgate about the information he needs to find out about competitors and pricing for his enterprise when he got me to sign on FB to see some of the work one of the people...

Well... That has been an interesting month. I didn't mean to stop blogging but to be frank it has been a pretty bleak time and writing about it didn't feel like it would help. By the end of this month I will have been unemployed for six months. Six to Seven months has been the average it has taken me to find a job after previous redundancies or out-flouncings. More fool me to work in such a precarious sector, I can't help myself: when you get through the bullshit of over-cautious administrators and consultation-fatigued residents and sparks of COMMUNITY ignite!... -That makes it all worthwhile.  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still got bills to pay.  Commitment has always been my problem: I have avoided jobs I could forget with the ease of discarding a jacket on getting home after work. I do what I do for the positive possibilities I hope the activity will create or inspire. The fatter pay-cheque didn't seem worth the mind-death of a job to which I could not feel commi...

As I'm the one living closest the Castle I agreed to visit to agree the jobs that the Maintenance Week group will tackle. I usually spend Sunday afternoons with my friend Lorraine and her mate Mick after she's locked up after the African Church at the community centre. I haven't been in touch with her since before Christmas. I was going to pop in before heading for the castle but when I got to the centre it was closed! I wonder what's going on there, but hadn't the time to investigate so headed off. I picked up my first hitch-hiker! Odd little man standing miles from anything on the A69 with his thumb out. Says he was studying in Dublin, here visiting his estranged mother. Tried to talk to me about Jesus and 'prophecised' that I was going to meet a 14 year old boy in need of help- Oh, did I mention he was drunk? lol dropped him off at a petrol station in Hexham. Consequently (?) I got to the castle about 10 mins late. Had a long chat with the owner a...

I got a disturbing call from the son of a friend with whom I'd lost touch for a couple of years telling me that my friend had attempted suicide over the Christmas period. I was gutted and glad that he is still around. He moved to the country several years ago having had it with S.E. London. Almost immediately, had a car accident AND unrelated health issues so it has not been what he hoped for.  It was good to speak with the son. He'd briefly lived with me and a partner when we lived in Hampstead after deciding he wanted greater independence than his dad afforded him- which, by the way, was much more than most, but that's teenagers for you! He's been "travelling" but has bought some land in Portugal and is living with his girlfriend in Sweden for some of the year. He'll be here for his dad on Monday. I'd lost his dad's number for some time- when a mutual friend was heading down his way I couldn't help her find his number. It was hard finding...

I bit the bullet and contacted my mortgage company now that I'm a month in arrears. I was surprised by how pleasant they were. Certainly so much better than Northern Rock. They're being almost supportive at least for the moment.  It is a major relief even if it is potentially temporary, not to fear losing my house. The numbers don't add up- by my reckoning I'm at least £120 per week 'short' of making ends meet and am implementing as many money-saving ideas as I can. I'm concocting all sorts of weird concoctions from what's in the cupboards for my daily meal and have remembered fried dumplings as a mid day filler.    I've again asked people who owe me money to start coughing up but ain't holding my breath, though I'm hoping one will maintain his commitment to give me £200 per month for the next year! Worse: one of my lodgers has also applied so he can pay rent but they've lost his claim! More delay. I will suffer.  The council still have...

Anger and depression fighting feelings of futility! Back to the slog today. Having to play the game to qualify for state benefits whilst I really want to be planning what we're going to do with the company. Sadly I can't do that until other people have made some decisions. I am trying not to bank on any of it. so its on with trawling for jobs- of course, should something amazing pop up I'm not going to ignore it, but if I'm offered an interview I will interview the crap out of my interviewers before I will risk turning my work-life over to more fuck-wits. Got to visit the Universal Creditors tomorrow so need my compliant game face! Why am I so often in the position of waiting for other people to make up their minds about something that affect my future? My instinct is to be maverick and subversive, but its like trying to climb a polished glass pyramid. In an unguarded moment I confided in a friend that I was beginning to feel my best days were behind me! Fuck! If ...