Slow start to 2017

Anger and depression fighting feelings of futility!

 Back to the slog today. Having to play the game to qualify for state benefits whilst I really want to be planning what we're going to do with the company. Sadly I can't do that until other people have made some decisions. I am trying not to bank on any of it. so its on with trawling for jobs- of course, should something amazing pop up I'm not going to ignore it, but if I'm offered an interview I will interview the crap out of my interviewers before I will risk turning my work-life over to more fuck-wits. Got to visit the Universal Creditors tomorrow so need my compliant game face! Why am I so often in the position of waiting for other people to make up their minds about something that affect my future? My instinct is to be maverick and subversive, but its like trying to climb a polished glass pyramid.

 In an unguarded moment I confided in a friend that I was beginning to feel my best days were behind me! Fuck! If that's true its a disappointment. That's the trouble with having so many amazing things happen young! I realise I lacked the "killer instinct" to drive home early advantages- I felt EMBARRASSED by my successes! I spent more time and effort proving I was worthy of them than I did ramming home the advantages they offered. I suppose there ARE several things that most people would be happy to have had in their histories but I never achieved the really BIG aims- not for want of my own skills etc but because I was stopped. [Old record much played lol]

 I've had a very strong urge to relocate over the last couple of days. I find myself craving a quiet rural retreat. I want wood burning stoves and a vegetable patch and a view and walks. Then when I think about that I find myself craving a warmer clime. I happened to catch a bit of one of those "homes in the sun" programmes and saw that my modest house in Newcastle could be exchanged for something quite nice in Spain or France... But do I want to deal with Spanish/French racism? I know its not automatic, but, let's face it: its likely. My BESTEST friend lives in France, near Monaco and although he (a straight man) openly declares his love for me etc, he believes Marine Le Pen and is convinced that France is threatened by a creeping Islamification against which he needs to protect his daughters! 

 I've been drumming up participants for a Maintenance Week at Featherstone Castle next month. I'm heading to the castle to meet the owner and agree what needs to be done, take photos etc to help plan the event. It is proving more difficult than first anticipated but I think we'll get to 20 volunteers by the time we have to go. The worst part is that volunteers are expected to make their own way AND pay £10 per day for food as well as do 6 hour days. I'm trying to wangle a grant through CHN to subsidise it.

 My friend is back from his paid-for holiday and says he had a great time. I've prepared something for him to take to the Universal Creditors tomorrow to get them to put him on the New Enterprise Allowance scheme. It would be a great way for him and the guy I supported last year to be supported to finish the furniture they made and present it for sale. I sent them links to a couple of programmes showing people doing EXACTLY what I originally asked them to do and selling pieces for silly money. They got the message! This time round it should work and there's about £3,000 worth of stock ready for them to start working on.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Bon Voyage, Mon Enfant!

Image
It's hard dealing with the lack of communication let alone discussion of my Godson's immediate future. Its hard not to view my part in his recent past as a failure. The point is that it is over and I need to move on whilst there is still some relationship left between us. I'm getting quite 'Zen' in covering my frustrations with calm.  My Godson has always been unwaveringly CERTAIN of any decision concerning his learning that was opposed to mine. He was SURE that the scant attention he gave to his studies would at least yield passes. He dismissed my protestations that higher grades offered greater prospects as irrelevant. In exasperation I finally  reminded him and his father that he was here to go to school and that when that ended he would leave my home. His school career recently ended when he did not secure the grades to enrol into the final year.  My Godson is and always has been capable of cruising through a standard UK education, but it wasn't impo...
Read more

Waiting!

Image
I love working with other people and I absolutely hate it too! I love it when I get people together who agree to do stuff but I get twitchy when they're late and I remember that everyone's doing everything "at risk" unless I'm fortunate-enough to have cash with which to bribe them! Yesterday I completed my proposal for our new proposed Main Project- I'm really pleased with it and very excited to submit it, but it would be a mistake not to share it with my colleagues- they're a great bunch when I can get their attention! I have always to remember that they're not as committed to the company as I am: they joined as a favour to me initially and though they've all benefited from it at some time in the last five years... except Wayne who we all forgot was on the Board -including him lol I can't expect anything from them really. So, I get into waiting for responses and starting other things and forgetting that I'm waiting (I'd get annoyed...
Read more

Laurieston Arrival

Image
I doubt I'll be able to express my true feelings at actually arriving at Laurieston Hall for an Edward Carpenter Community, Gay Men's Week. I'm one of MANY people who regard Laurieston as my "Spirtual Home"- a palpable feeling hits me when I turn off the road onto the drive to the Hall. I was all the more keen to come this year when I discovered that this MIGHT be the last 'Season' that the Lauriestonians welcome visitors- at least for a while, Edward Carpenter Community have been coming here for 31 years. Despite a 12 year gap that ended last year, this is my 15th ECC event and almost all of them have been at Laurieston. There are over 60 gay men here from all over UK. So, getting here was a doddle from Newcastle- apart from taking a wrong turning off the M6 and refusing to trust the Sat Nav when I got to Laurieston (from a new direction) and going 4 miles AWAY from the house until I realised... Oh, and I spun off the road on a country road approching...
Read more