Slow start to 2017

Anger and depression fighting feelings of futility!

 Back to the slog today. Having to play the game to qualify for state benefits whilst I really want to be planning what we're going to do with the company. Sadly I can't do that until other people have made some decisions. I am trying not to bank on any of it. so its on with trawling for jobs- of course, should something amazing pop up I'm not going to ignore it, but if I'm offered an interview I will interview the crap out of my interviewers before I will risk turning my work-life over to more fuck-wits. Got to visit the Universal Creditors tomorrow so need my compliant game face! Why am I so often in the position of waiting for other people to make up their minds about something that affect my future? My instinct is to be maverick and subversive, but its like trying to climb a polished glass pyramid.

 In an unguarded moment I confided in a friend that I was beginning to feel my best days were behind me! Fuck! If that's true its a disappointment. That's the trouble with having so many amazing things happen young! I realise I lacked the "killer instinct" to drive home early advantages- I felt EMBARRASSED by my successes! I spent more time and effort proving I was worthy of them than I did ramming home the advantages they offered. I suppose there ARE several things that most people would be happy to have had in their histories but I never achieved the really BIG aims- not for want of my own skills etc but because I was stopped. [Old record much played lol]

 I've had a very strong urge to relocate over the last couple of days. I find myself craving a quiet rural retreat. I want wood burning stoves and a vegetable patch and a view and walks. Then when I think about that I find myself craving a warmer clime. I happened to catch a bit of one of those "homes in the sun" programmes and saw that my modest house in Newcastle could be exchanged for something quite nice in Spain or France... But do I want to deal with Spanish/French racism? I know its not automatic, but, let's face it: its likely. My BESTEST friend lives in France, near Monaco and although he (a straight man) openly declares his love for me etc, he believes Marine Le Pen and is convinced that France is threatened by a creeping Islamification against which he needs to protect his daughters! 

 I've been drumming up participants for a Maintenance Week at Featherstone Castle next month. I'm heading to the castle to meet the owner and agree what needs to be done, take photos etc to help plan the event. It is proving more difficult than first anticipated but I think we'll get to 20 volunteers by the time we have to go. The worst part is that volunteers are expected to make their own way AND pay £10 per day for food as well as do 6 hour days. I'm trying to wangle a grant through CHN to subsidise it.

 My friend is back from his paid-for holiday and says he had a great time. I've prepared something for him to take to the Universal Creditors tomorrow to get them to put him on the New Enterprise Allowance scheme. It would be a great way for him and the guy I supported last year to be supported to finish the furniture they made and present it for sale. I sent them links to a couple of programmes showing people doing EXACTLY what I originally asked them to do and selling pieces for silly money. They got the message! This time round it should work and there's about £3,000 worth of stock ready for them to start working on.

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