Bust Up!
I was about to write that I have no regrets, but that's not quite true: it is sad when relationships break whatever type they are! But, as I mentioned above, I've been increasingly aware of making more and more "allowances" for this friend- they talk confidently about things they don't understand and they won't be told anything contradictory by anyone. I have got used to internalising mega cringes about the way they deal with their children, neighbours, even pets because offering guidance or direct criticism elicits little response and no change in action. We used to alternate meeting at their house and mine, but there was ALWAYS tension with their children, neighbours, cats etc so we stopped going there. I know that they resent 'having to' come to mine all the time, even though they accept that meeting at theirs is a bad idea.
They say things about ethnicity I wouldn't accept from anyone else because I know they're based on ignorance and a lack of empathy. This person finds it -or at least SEEMS to find it impossible to be empathetic, everything, every situation is all about them, if it is something they've never experienced then it is either irrelevant or untrue. The catalyst for Saturday's explosion was Meghan Markle (LMAO). -'They' believe MM is a liar, who has manipulated Prince Harry into leaving Britain and reducing links with the House of Windsor. This is an argument led by Piers Morgan who, it seems is pissed because MM 'ghosted' him once she met Harry, (who wouldn't?). In any case, this 'friend' seems to delight in repeating the racist garbage spouted by the likes of Putrid Morgan. I disagree, and have generally done so politely if noisily. My fundamental point being that as we will never meet any of the parties involved, information comes from UK media sources who have declared war on the couple. On Saturday the 'friend' started AGAIN with crap about MM and the Prince including that they had copywrighted their daughter's name. I couldn't let that one stand and found no reference to that when I googled it. This wasn't enough for them and they continued on and on spewing all sorts of ridiculous and quite nasty stuff nobody but the participants could ever verify.. I played along at first- "are you trying to wind me up" I asked and made light of it- even leaving the room to get something whilst saying "I'm not listening". When they continued i WARNED them that I was in no mood to accommodate them and that if they didn't stop I would "take my gloves off". They have never experienced me 'with my gloves off' and thought they could "handle" me... They were wrong and were ringing for a taxi after i shouted at them about being petty and nasty about an hour after they'd arrived.
The sad thing is that all their friends and family KNOW they're like this, but they're so used to people giving in to them that perhaps they don't know how toxic and destructive they can be. Their children found out about the bust up and showed ME sympathy!
I told their son that I was prepared never again to refer to the incident, but that if it WAS brought up again, I would have no hesitation but to give them a second installment. Yes, I lament losing a friendship, but what kind of friendship is it when one has to edit oneself in interactions with a person? So much of what they say is aggressive and destructive that I filter most of it out most of the time. I have been asking myself if it wouldn't be better not to have this person in my life... It MAY be that they will expect an apology from me- after all; they're never wrong, which will mean that relationship has ended.
Of course I am still reviewing my actions to check myself for bullying etc- but I literally WARNED them what would happen. My fault has been to have let them think their behaviour had been acceptable for so long. I find myself reviewing and re-evaluationg several relationships having decided to no longer accept behaviours which I feel disrespect my ethnicity. LOL- how pompous that sounds, but it is what it is. The change is that in reviewing past relationships I have found that I have normalised unacceptable behaviours to maintain friendships, to avoid being seen as a problem or "uppity". I am forgiving myself for that, but I am not prepared to let it happen again.
I would prefer to be a hermit than to be surrounded by people who tolerate me as long as I don't challenge them on ethnicity. The British hate few things as much as being called racists so the conversation is suppressed and racist Brits think their views are totally acceptable. The "backlash" against Black Lives Matter is more about British reluctance to face up to racism than it is about how Black people are treated in this country, it is all about them and their feelings.
Comments
Post a Comment