Dole and Douleur

Perhaps it was the fact of having to go the dole at all, but I had a horrible feeling all day last Thursday: preparing for the meeting, then deciding not to take anything as they'd not requested it. When I got there, the operative was still quite wary of me -which is good LOL, so I didn't feel the need to act up. I've fulfilled my part of the arrangement, I've got nothing from them. I'd found out by then that I hadn't been shortlisted for the Seaton Delaval Hall job. Its always a hard one when that happens: my gut reaction is "NEXT!" but I can't help wondering WHY: what was the problem? Was it in what I wrote or what I missed out? Is my work experience too extensive- does it lack coherence? Do I come across as "hard work"? Am I too old, too gay?... I never presume anything, but, when I take particular care to ensure that everything in the person-spec is covered and attached to examples of my experience and I still don't make the shortlist I really want to know why, but I'm also aware of not wanting to be the pain who contacts the company demanding answers.

As I was out, I went to visit my friend in the village. It turns out that I needn't have stayed away as much as I have done because the relationship with his 'lover' has gone the way most people expected and, though they still see each other nearly every day, 'lines have been drawn'. I wonder if the fact that he has given up green in order to get pipelining work has something to do with it: I know that when I forsake the herb, things that otherwise roll off my back can begin to irk me.

Sadder still is the lack of life in the project now. No more cash has come in for the enterprises, but then we always expected this time to be quiet. The Bee guy has let us down spectacularly: from "I will make sure I come to look after them for at least an hour a week" he's not actually been there for over a month and two of the colonies have died. To put this into context: we took colonies from the community centre I used to run to the project because they would be looked after there... I've said before I think there's something 'wrong' with this guy, now others are seeing it too. If only the people who've said they were going to contribute to the project had done what they said they would... The building has been damaged by storms. My friend regrets that CHN isn't fully committed to the project any more and wishes the building could be bought. I consider how different things might have been had I committed all my time to it post redundancy. I will know after December 9th how my plans for CHN's next few years will go after the Council reviews our EOI on the Cowgate building.

Yeah... this redundancy bullshit has seeped into my bones. Prioritising searching and applying for jobs may work for some- when my lodger FINALLY get's his finger out and is put under 'heavy manners' for job hunting, I think he will collapse! But for me, it is unproductive the jobs for which I am applying take time and commitment to complete the applications; I'm already at the point where I can't even tell you for what I have applied until I get a rejection message. 

The woman who has been opening the building I used to run for the African church took ill last week. Of course, my former employer has still not made any provision for her not being able to work so their events on Friday and Sunday were cancelled. My former employers care not a jot. I spent Sunday afternoon with her and Mick- we have a surprising amount in common- even fencing. We had a great conversation about what we could do with the building if it was to be run as a community centre again. Mick suggested that a lot of the residents won't get involved in anything but will moan about everything. My response was that even if they might be the majority on the estate, it would be worthwhile putting energy into the people who DO want to try new things etc. After a while, some of the rest will 'come around' or, if they don't we'll just make sure that whatever the engaged people are doing is the best we can make it. I won't spend time trying to persuade people who sit back and demand to be impressed, I prefer to leave them standing whilst those who want positivity and change surge forward.

Approaching the end of every month means increasing stress: WILL I make all the payments? Who owes me cash? Who can afford to lend me cash? Can I risk getting into further debt? 

I despair. I feel devalued- which is sad as it shows how much of my self worth is linked to my employment.