Too Fucking Soft!

For someone actually feared by some... I've given up trying to show that I'm NOT a threat just because I'm big, black and articulate. I think that combination worries them most. But in fact I find it hard to be... well; hard on people. When the peripatetic "lodger" appeared as expected on Wednesday, I asked him to explain to me what HE thought was going on- what was the 'deal' about him and my home. He looked at me as if I was mad and says "I live here!". "Really!?" I countered, "how does that work then?" My experience of him "living" here is that it was the first time I'd laid eyes on him since returning from Featherstone, no text or any other attempt to communicate, he owes me money on his already 'mates rate' rent, he has contributed nothing to the upkeep of the house (including contributing to bills) he hardly communicates, when he is in the lounge he is into his 'phone and I am supposed to be OK about all this?!

If I had the money the other lodger owes me I wouldn't have to THINK about finding work till April. My brother owes me £5K the return of which would probably give me a fatal heart attack if it actually happened.

If I had fought harder regarding what Eurotrash Upcycled produced I wouldn't be well over £4K out of pocket now. I KNEW I was right but allowed myself to be talked out of it and have been proved right again but only after exhausting my savings. Now I have to find MORE cash to create the finishes I knew were necessary in the first place. Just because the guy/s making the stuff are "handy" and creative; they thought customers would buy "raw" pieces to finish themselves whilst I knew that the majority would want to buy things that attracted them and were "finished".

I have been thinking a lot about being asked to play Othello as a first year at Uni and how I refused it. It is something I have done a LOT: getting to a position where I might actually shine and stepping back. It is a sort of shyness: It is to do with often being the only black in the room/gay in the village. There is a dichotomy for me about pride at my self and my achievements etc and a yearning for the ordinary. From the first acceptance of my sexuality I've had an urge to hold my head up WITH my partner and to be proud at how unremarkable my daily life actually was. Fools and bigots imagine Gay couples to live their lives shagging, between shags or trying to "convert" innocent (LOL) straight guys. It always amused me how "masculinity" could be simultaneously voracious and impenetrable whilst utterly threatened by gay men. Of course; the straight men who feel threatened tend to be those who've experienced stirrings of attraction or curiosity about their own sexuality. Its like the American school who recently censured their girls because the way they dressed had caused a boy to have "impure thoughts". Why the fuck is that anyone's issue than the person having those thoughts? 

I think it was a trait of my father's: to sabotage himself at the point of advancement, I think I have inherited remnants of it... Its probably part of the Uppity Nigger complex: as a black person it has been acceptable to be "athletic" or "creative", "strong", even "noble" and sometimes- very occasionally; "smart". But woe betide the black man who aspires to and exhibits most of those traits. I think I have spent too much of my life being grateful: for living in a stable, wealthy society, for having a "classical" education, for never having to want for too much despite never having had much surplus. I realise I have been grateful for the acceptance I have experienced in various groups and situations and I respond by NOT hogging the limelight and NOT asking for basic considerations to be addressed so as to avoid the discomfort of my hosts to explore WHY I might be the only black person among them. So I turn that microscope onto myself and wonder why I can be the only black person in a group- what does that say about ME?

If I were to express the anger I often feel and to make the demands I often think are justified, I'd be difficult to be around and, probably less of a positive influence than I think I can sometimes be. That is probably why when I DO lose it, I can really lose control and whatever frustration I might be experience gets fed by things I've not expressed or articulated.

I feel finally that my cold is all-but gone and my head is clear for the first time in weeks. I have been getting quotes from marquee companies and will be sending info to Shokti to help plan for next year's Radical Faeries Global Gathering at Featherstone. I've rewritten the EOI for Cowgate, drafted a health and safety policy for the building and sent it to Co Directors for comment. I will be sending it on Monday whether or not they've responded... It is a real shame for me that my Co Directors aren't as devoted to the project as I am. They're all excellently experienced and 'qualified' but I can't get them to put in the prep unless they're paid for it which is a shame because our collective efforts could bring about the things they've said they say they want for the company MUCH more quickly and sustainably. I dare not moan as they might piss off completely- they're really only there because I asked them to join.