Black is the New Black

I think "Africa 81" was the first time I actually began to find out about British history in Africa. It was a festival of all things African and it was good. The BBC series of shows in their current Black British season is having similar eye-opening effects for me, but this time it seems so much more personal... As much as I am enjoying the shows, I will write to BBC after the season to lament that it takes a "season" to explore and illustrate black lives in Britain: it would be better to find a strong string of such stories throughout the schedule.

I avoid moaning about my lot. I rejoice in the many experiences that I have had that the average Brit might not have experienced. I am aware that being black has in some instances contributed to those things- it has long been useful to have at least one black face in the mix to show "diversity". It has bothered me how often I have been that face. Watching Black is the New Black yesterday SO MANY of the things shared by the black celebrities rang loud and clear for me. Things like acknowledging that stepping out of one's house puts one under scrutiny: if we dress well, there is comment, if we're in hoodies we're planning something. Where I live there are less non Brits than elsewhere in the country and I have been very aware that anything I do has the potential to cause comment in the high street. Sometimes I embrace that and fling on my kilt or my agbada and flounce about like an outrageous fag or an African chieftain, but it all gets more than a bit tiring after a short while. I would so much rather just do my own thing for myself and forego the 'feedback' of passers-by.

Listening to people who have "made it" in this society and to hear that they have had similar experiences to me. -Racism has been more subtle these days: one is rarely told that one can't get or do something because of skin colour, but it will be something like being "too passionate" or "angry" etc. Its is a catch 22: you can be a token and get stuff or you can be yourself and be feared. If I had been happy just taking the cash I'd probably still be in London working for Urban Forum on £45K for turning up to the odd conference, speaking a bit and getting photographed. To some -most? people that gig would be brilliant, but I just couldn't do it. I have a lot to prove- like the fact that I didn't get a job because of my skin colour! Honestly: I was sitting there shouting in agreement at the TV in patois.

There's nothing to be done now and I fear that things have taken a major step backwards recently. I don't know what value I get from seeing that there may be real reasons for me only to have got to the point I did in my career. A LOT of that has been my own 'stuff' about trying not to stand out and to be happy with what I've been given etc, I am not the sort who puts himself forward even when I KNOW I am the best person for the job. That has held me back so much! I wasn't looking for an excuse... an explanation is helpful and to realise that other people of colour have been thinking and experiencing similar things is comforting- it may mean I'm not entirely  delusional.