Black in Britain
I have a predisposition NOT to carp on about being in the minority, but the bald statistics presented in "Will Britain Have a Black Prime Minister" got me thinking about a lot of things I'd just assimilated as 'the way things are'. I acknowledge my debt to my mother who would not contemplate me going anywhere but to the local grammar school. I remember our Irish neighbour telling her I had no chance of getting into the school and offering to put in a good word at the school where her son was to go. In the end I got into the grammar school and her son didn't get his first choice- a fact that coloured the relationship between the two families thereafter. The TV show demonstrated how incredibly screwed opportunities are between black and white people in this country. It made me reevaluate my 'achievements'- not for themselves but for their overall impacts on my life: In short: I 'should' be much more secure after what I have done than I am; I believe that had I been white I would be.
There is no doubt that being Black and articulate- but not THAT black (!) has helped me get into places and situations that might have been denied similar working class white people, but those 'concessions' came with hidden pitfalls. I even got to the big bucks level of CEO of a company who took a total of SEVEN HOURS to interview me over THREE visits during which I was as uncompromising as I could be to ensure that they knew what they'd be getting if they offered me the job. Once in post it became increasingly obvious that they didn't actually want me to do much more than demonstrate their diversity by being photographed a lot. But at least that job reintroduced me to Newcastle.
Hearing black men talk about the fear that is generated when one walks into a room with any confidence or appear in a group of more than three or four, -the handbag clutching, the accusations of aggression if one ever disagrees with the prevailing 'wisdom' or the way things are done (as my last employer) just triggered memory after memory. Like being labelled "passionate" as a definite negative when working for the QUANGO that came up with the "regional branding": "Passionate People, Passionate Places". I roared with laughter when I saw it and reminded my manager of the censure I'd received "So, its OK to be passionate anywhere in this region except in its Regional Development Agency!" I quipped, and was told not to make a fuss.
I shudder to realise how institutionalised I've become: I temper myself, I modulate my voice and its volumes, I know which knife to use, I become blind to being the only black person in social gatherings or professional meetings. Of course: my sexuality contributes to that; I have rarely been among straight black people and felt able to be entirely open about my sexuality. I am also anti religion which compounds my "sell-out" status amongst many black people who believe the ridiculous idea that homosexuality is a white disease. It would be foolish of me to consider myself fully accepted in white society and I'm certainly not entirely welcome among black people. As for Gay men- PLEASE! Being totally honest, few- even the "spiritual" ones have more than a passing interest in the under-representation of black people in their ranks (unless they're donkey-hung of course). My biggest disappointment about living in Newcastle has been that the interest of Gay people towards me has been about if I can get them cannabis or if I'd satisfy their curiosity about having sex with a "black lad, like".
My barriers of self-protection come up pretty quickly in those situations. Sadly; whilst I have cultivated good friendships, the men to whom I have been attracted have ALL turned out to be straight, married or both! And the only black man I got close to was so obviously 'on the make' as to be embarrassing.
The last time I became redundant, I was shocked by how quickly it was before I was on the skids. I have two more weeks of cash before things start falling apart. I looked up a couple of people I've known from school, university and college who do not seem to have had as many difficulties as I have had. OK- so I have taken decisions that were not based on making as much money as I could over those that I felt would be more fulfilling but even so it is not at all difficult to make a case that my life has been unduly affected by institutional and unconscious racism. Racism is easier to confront when it is overt, but the British can be so damned polite about stuff that one has to be prepared for the hurt and astonishment and defensive anger if they're called out on it.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me get the resources I need to properly propel my own company to where I know it can go and do what I know it can do. It would be satisfying for my final working action to be about creating a project that sees its aims through to the end rather than running away when it gets bigger or is being delivered more quickly than expected. I really do not want to work for anyone else. I really do not want to be wondering any more about whether or not the people I am serving are actually invested in the things they have me doing or they're just humouring me. I want to prove what I can do on my own terms for once, unfettered by polite middle class bullshit and local political machinations. I want to be fucking uppity and on my own terms.
I owe a lot to this country, but I think it owes me too!
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