What Can I Do With A Stinky Teenager?
I ask him to do very little else- apart from cleaning up any mess he makes: I clean, wash, shop etc, ALL he has to do is keep his room and his body clean... But he does not do it. I have tried every response from calm understanding to incadescent fury, nothing works. I get 'the face' while I am talking to him and while he is forced to rectify the issue, but it is clear that anything I say or impression left is lost almost as quickly.
Last Thursday, I discovered that he had let his room get to a completely unacceptable state so I told him there would be sanctions- the last time I saw it this bad, I had previously warned him I would make him empty his room and clean it thoroughly before replacing each item into the room. It took most of a day (mainly because he was being deliberately slow which had no impact on me if he wanted to spend his entire Saturday doing it, it was his choice). On Friday, he asked if he could go to Ryton to 'Trick or Treat' with friends. I'm not keen on him doing that in any case so it was an easy win for me to say him not going was the sanction for the state of his room.
On Monday, he gave a command performance about it probably being the last chance he would have to go trick-or-treating with his mates etc. I told him that him doing what I ask about his room and personal hygiene was as important to me as his desire to go out with his friends. I refused to back down.
Yesterday, I felt for him so I took him out to investigate vivariums and reptiles as we have been discussing it recently. We also went to the West End in search of a whole fish he can practice filleting for his catering exam and a breadfruit. It was surprising that none of the Asian shoopkeepers had even heard of breadfruit. We returned and I remembered there was still one curtain to be installed in his room. When I knocked, there was the habitual scurrying around as he tried vainly to hide the mess. When I entered the room it was in one of the worst states I've seen it. The worst thing was a plastic pot with suspicious-looking liquid in it.. I demanded what it was and he said he had been sick into it!! I called him completely disgusting and lectured him on the cheek and dishonesty to have given me all the gumf he did the previous day in an attempt to twang my heart strings when he hadn't even addressed the reason he had been sanctioned in the first place.
Much of my anger is for the social work team! I would not endorse my parent's parenting methods for their cruelty, but my lad knows that the social workers will criticise me for raising my voice even. It has given my lad a subtle sense of power: once I've stopped admonishing him, he largely forgets about it. I wrote to the social workers and asked for them to direct me. I think my role is to prepare my lad for a successful and independent life after care, personal hygiene etc is a key part of that. But the social workers downplay my concerns and support the lad.
I need to state: I'm not being some prissy queen here! The room ends up looking like a squat, I can't find cutlery and crockery because it is secreted in his room, there will be rotting food etc, not to mention clothes like his school blazer discarded onto the floor etc etc etc. I told the social workers that I am not the kind of person who will just take the money and shut up, I do not feel as if I am doing a good job with the lad THEY do, but they rejoice as long as no safeguarding issues arise.
So, once again I find myself at odds with the people for whom I am working! I have much higher standards and aspirations for looked after children, they are so overwhelmed that they accept almost anything as a win.
UPDATE
One of the two annual meetings to review 'the placement' happened this week: social workers etc it was at my house +video link.
I'd calmed by then of course, but when it got to the point of discussing this repeating issue it was characterised as "Oscar's trigger". I remarked that the lad is sophisticated enough to recognise that as suggesting it was my problem almost as if the lad would be doing be a favour by complying with my wishes. I insisted that what I request is fundamental to anyone living in my house. I reminded them that I have been consistent in this request from before the lad came to live with me. The lad has very few other tasks or 'chores' and the ones he does have are all about learning what he will need to do when he is living independently.
The response was to praise 'the placement': "I look forward to this placement; so well matched, the lad is thriving.... etc.
I might have rolled my eyes LOL
We'll plod on. But I made it clear to the lad that I will be implaccable in delivering future sanctions any time he "triggered" that response.
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