Fears

Next month, my 13 year old Godson and his dad will arrive to stay with me. My Godson is to stay here whilst his dad moves to Switzerland. The details are complicated and not for public consumption.

I've wanted to parent for a long time, I did foster a 16 year old from an organisation called "The Albert Kennedy Trust" with a partner a long time ago and I think I am good at it. One of the reasons I've not pursued this since is that I thought it would be better to attempt to parent with a partner. Nevertheless, I hit 50 this year and thought: I have a large-enough house, am economically 'settled' etc- do I really need to have a partner to foster? Then, my friend contacted me with the proposal that my Godson comes to stay with me- at least during school terms and it seemed appropriate so I accepted.

Every couple of hours of every day as their arrival approaches, I'm hit by another image of what could go wrong- that's not me getting "cold feet" so much as part of my usual process: to assess 'the worst thing(s) that could happen' in any situation and to come up with scenarios to deal with them should they occur. The worst thing for a kid at school is to be different and my Godson will be moving to a city with limited cultural diversity, after living for 8 years in the Basque Country. He speaks three languages, has long hair and a bit of a hippie outlook. The local school is one of the biggest secondary schools in England and I am loathe to send him there, but the school in which I have enroled him insists on a uniform that will mark him as different to local kids and make him a possible target. - And then, there are the possible reactions of his peers if a big black guy comes to pick him up or do parent stuff.

He's a clever kid and pretty self-contained (he likes exponential mathmetics!! <shudder>), but I just worry about what will happen if  he doesn't get on at the school, and wither makes no friends or is bullied. -I'm glad I'm not going to school here at the moment - it seems like a much scarier place than it was in the seventies!

Additionally; I keep checking everything that I do at home and in leisure time to think about whether I would be doing it or how it might be changed when I have a 13 year old living with me. I am to be inspected by 'Children's Services' once my Godson and his dad are here, and I keep looking around my home to think what impression an official visitor would gain of me from it. - I'm not worried about being rejected as a fit foster carer: my former boss is the ex leader of the local council, he has agreed to provide a character reference and a former head of a regional social work department has agreed to 'observe' the inspection. But it is also hard to dispel fears that too many people cannot (choose not?) to distinguish between homosexuality and paedophilia. -I worry about how much affection to show my Godson for example- I am already fond of him, but what's appropriate? - Of course; in the end I will let him lead in that department and try to give him what he needs- it would be different if I had looked after him for extended periods before.

I think I will get on with my godson - he thinks having a black, gay Godfather is "cool" and seems to be looking forward to it. I just can't help these occassional waves of fear that it will all go wrong. I wonder if heterosexual couples have similar thoughts during pregnancy?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Bon Voyage, Mon Enfant!

Image
It's hard dealing with the lack of communication let alone discussion of my Godson's immediate future. Its hard not to view my part in his recent past as a failure. The point is that it is over and I need to move on whilst there is still some relationship left between us. I'm getting quite 'Zen' in covering my frustrations with calm.  My Godson has always been unwaveringly CERTAIN of any decision concerning his learning that was opposed to mine. He was SURE that the scant attention he gave to his studies would at least yield passes. He dismissed my protestations that higher grades offered greater prospects as irrelevant. In exasperation I finally  reminded him and his father that he was here to go to school and that when that ended he would leave my home. His school career recently ended when he did not secure the grades to enrol into the final year.  My Godson is and always has been capable of cruising through a standard UK education, but it wasn't impo
Read more

Waiting!

Image
I love working with other people and I absolutely hate it too! I love it when I get people together who agree to do stuff but I get twitchy when they're late and I remember that everyone's doing everything "at risk" unless I'm fortunate-enough to have cash with which to bribe them! Yesterday I completed my proposal for our new proposed Main Project- I'm really pleased with it and very excited to submit it, but it would be a mistake not to share it with my colleagues- they're a great bunch when I can get their attention! I have always to remember that they're not as committed to the company as I am: they joined as a favour to me initially and though they've all benefited from it at some time in the last five years... except Wayne who we all forgot was on the Board -including him lol I can't expect anything from them really. So, I get into waiting for responses and starting other things and forgetting that I'm waiting (I'd get annoyed
Read more

Gyre

Image
From time to time I notice the patterns I make in my life; the recurring themes, the 'deja vu and 'Oh, not again!' moments... I don't spend much time on self-reflective introspection out of a combination of embarrassment and fear. It hasn't stopped me unloading onto one or two toking-buddies on a regular basis, but I try not to be one of those who becomes so intimate with their own navels that they're end up being dull or even toxic. The fear is also about having to focus on the things in plain sight that I choose not to see or wrongly ascribe to factors out of my control. When I was a (sole black) first year drama student at university I was ever-so-gently cornered by all three of the lecturers and asked what I thought about playing Othello. I was surprised enough to think it was a joke and quipped that I couldn't play Othello (I was 18 and seven or eight weeks into a degree course) and that they were only asking me to save on make up (or something li
Read more