Fears

Next month, my 13 year old Godson and his dad will arrive to stay with me. My Godson is to stay here whilst his dad moves to Switzerland. The details are complicated and not for public consumption.

I've wanted to parent for a long time, I did foster a 16 year old from an organisation called "The Albert Kennedy Trust" with a partner a long time ago and I think I am good at it. One of the reasons I've not pursued this since is that I thought it would be better to attempt to parent with a partner. Nevertheless, I hit 50 this year and thought: I have a large-enough house, am economically 'settled' etc- do I really need to have a partner to foster? Then, my friend contacted me with the proposal that my Godson comes to stay with me- at least during school terms and it seemed appropriate so I accepted.

Every couple of hours of every day as their arrival approaches, I'm hit by another image of what could go wrong- that's not me getting "cold feet" so much as part of my usual process: to assess 'the worst thing(s) that could happen' in any situation and to come up with scenarios to deal with them should they occur. The worst thing for a kid at school is to be different and my Godson will be moving to a city with limited cultural diversity, after living for 8 years in the Basque Country. He speaks three languages, has long hair and a bit of a hippie outlook. The local school is one of the biggest secondary schools in England and I am loathe to send him there, but the school in which I have enroled him insists on a uniform that will mark him as different to local kids and make him a possible target. - And then, there are the possible reactions of his peers if a big black guy comes to pick him up or do parent stuff.

He's a clever kid and pretty self-contained (he likes exponential mathmetics!! <shudder>), but I just worry about what will happen if  he doesn't get on at the school, and wither makes no friends or is bullied. -I'm glad I'm not going to school here at the moment - it seems like a much scarier place than it was in the seventies!

Additionally; I keep checking everything that I do at home and in leisure time to think about whether I would be doing it or how it might be changed when I have a 13 year old living with me. I am to be inspected by 'Children's Services' once my Godson and his dad are here, and I keep looking around my home to think what impression an official visitor would gain of me from it. - I'm not worried about being rejected as a fit foster carer: my former boss is the ex leader of the local council, he has agreed to provide a character reference and a former head of a regional social work department has agreed to 'observe' the inspection. But it is also hard to dispel fears that too many people cannot (choose not?) to distinguish between homosexuality and paedophilia. -I worry about how much affection to show my Godson for example- I am already fond of him, but what's appropriate? - Of course; in the end I will let him lead in that department and try to give him what he needs- it would be different if I had looked after him for extended periods before.

I think I will get on with my godson - he thinks having a black, gay Godfather is "cool" and seems to be looking forward to it. I just can't help these occassional waves of fear that it will all go wrong. I wonder if heterosexual couples have similar thoughts during pregnancy?