Judgement Day?

-Perhaps. Tomorrow, the long-postponed 'panel' to assess my suitability to be a Foster Carer is scheduled to finally take place. In some ways I'm actually grateful for the delay: it has given me a LOT of time for introspection. Of course I expected my character to be examined for this role, but I never expected it to be actually challenged after my past experiences with young people as a trainer, mentor, godparent! I've run the gamut of emotions ever since the panel was postponed: from fury to despair. It was over a year ago that I first raised my intentions to transfer from 'Supported Lodgings' to Fostering, I was clear that I wanted it done by December 2021 when my longest residing lodger was supposed to have left (he hasn't).

It has been a bit of a life-saver that my lodger is still here as he provides my main income - apart from having recieved £936 from them by mistake after my asylum-seeking lodger did a runner. Of course I have to repay it, but without it I would be up shit creek right now. If they decide not to approve me, I will be fucked! -I have been encouraged- directed even that I should not be considering any other employment as the expectations of the scheme to which I am applying are huge. It was a big mindset change for me to stop looking for other work etc. They've gone as far as to attempt to stop me from having more than one client so, all my eggs are in a basket that does not look secure to me at the moment. I confess that, having stopped looking for other work, I shudder to my core at having to start that again.

I've thought about what their problem with me might be- I've been told that there is concern about "sexualised" pictures as my Facebook profile backgrounds. I was shocked and angered. There is already a set of rules about what is acceptable on FB so, having 'passed' that barrier, I did not expect this response. Part of me HAS teased the FB monitors to see what could get past them, but I have never had the motivation to post anything pornographic there. As someone who has been to several 'clothing optional' events over the years I suppose that my threshold for that kind of shock and outrage is a lot less pronounced. I simply do not immediately and automatically experience nudity or near nudity with pornography.

Of course, the Social Services panellists need to be confident that the people they approve for fostering are not going to abuse kids put in their care. Apart from anything else- they don't want to be the people being held to account if something DID happen to a kid in care. Having said all that, it is the many grievious shortcomings reported by my lodgers of foster carers they've encountered that have been the key driver of my desire to foster. My current lodger has been in care more than half his life, I think that anyone spending half an hour with him would understand how FEW life skills and general awareness he has acquired in eleven years. The horror stories he has told me have made me very angry and adamant that I could do a lot better with less effort!

My focus since the 'sexualisationgate' started has been about defending my character and reputation. Understanding that they're being overly cautious hopefully for the best reasons and not out of homophobia or racial prejudice means I need to drop the defence and put my energies into showing that I have much to offer lads in care. I have been trying to see myself through their eyes... Mind you, I have been supervised by the head of Supported Lodgings since 2019 and have interacted closely and regularly with about six social workers, I don't think they were involved in this assessment despite me seeing at least three of them every month, often at my home.- I KNOW that the Supported Lodgings guy knew nothing of it until I told him. I think that is another failing as he should have been made aware that there were 'questions' about someone with whom he has been working for three years.

I've tried to prepare for the panel, but it is as difficult as preparing for an unknown young person from the age of five (unlikely) to seventeen (more likely) to come to live in my house. I've looked at the 'profiles' they sent with the invitation to the Zoom meeting which only depressed me as I found out that they're all white, middle class, middle aged straight (probably) women. I have occassionally found myself in cold sweats thinking about how difficult it COULD become if I get things wrong or if the lad simply does not want to be in care and does his best to make the placement fail. If they DO accept me tomorrow, will I be under more scrutiny than other Foster Carers after this 'alert' has been brought up???? I dislike being unprepared for things like this. I had planned to review all the fostering training stuff I've amassed, but in the last couple of weeks, whenever I've thought about that I've turned instead to how I can defend myself from what i experience as unjust criticisms.