Where next?

I enjoy spending Christmas to New Year on my own. Friends don't believe me and have in the past tried to kidnap me to "save" me from the terror of solitude. Except that I actually do appreciate it as a reflective time. I'm wary of the family tensions that seem to bubble up at this tme of year. I alway say- and I think it is true; that if I looked after young children I would make the whole period into a succession of treats... But I don't, so I don't. As a non-meat eater and someone who dislikes feeling stuffed with food; Christmas has been a problem for me for a long time, once I realised I COULD opt out of it, I did. Of course; being poor hasn't helped LOL.

It would be nice for my period on the work wilderness to end! I shut down my life as much as I could when I was made redundant a couple of years ago, the job I left last year only paid me enough to stop the debts I'd incurred getting bigger but my lifestyle didn't change that much. Austerity has become my normality. I am feeling unusually uninspired at the moment; I've usually got some project or ambition bubbling away but they seem distant now. My energy levels are low. Things do feel a tad... pointless without a financial foundation on which to build any ideas. The People Centre remains my ultimate fantasy and the house in Keighly is still available for £650,000, but when winning the lottery seems like the only option, you know it will not happen. Of course I have other plans for raising the cash, but I can't move forward because I can't find three people willing to act as trustees of a charitable company I want to start which would own the property. I have spent so much time working for trustees who don't know what they're actually doing that I've learned how much additional work is involved if you follow that route. I need people who understand the responsibilities they'd have and be effective critical friends and directors of the organisation (for a change!). One of the guys who reinspired me about the People Centre died last month. I really wanted the place be up and running so that he and other "elders" (me included!) could choose to spend their final days among their family of friends. Part of me still questions why there still doesn't seem to be a retirement home for LGBTQ+ people, but it is probably just a distraction.

The Arse Council (sic) published their latest bleating about the lack of diversity in arts companies in England. They do this every 6 or 7 years with the same results: There will be a period of hand-wringing and surprise before money willbe found for a consultation which will ultimately excrete a report which will be absorbed into existing procedures and forgetten about it until someone complains about funding and the Arse Council will point to the money they've spent on this advertising stunt. Of course; I have a personal axe to grind as the organisation I was serving in 2011 was entirely about delivering the diversity they're talking about today and argued against what the Arse Council did. I'd 'seen the writing on the wall' following the international banking crash and had been BEGGING the organisation's trustees to let me look for other sources of income- I even found and delivered two high-paying contracts with partner organisations to demonstrate the versatility of the project. The trustees didn't listen- actually the patronised me and told me I was over-reacting until the Arse Council cut funds in 2011 and it led to the first of my three redundancies in ten years.

I don't really understand why I've struggled to find work this time round. It is possible that I write too much in applications but it is just as possible that I'm too old/black/gay, whatever it is, my reputation seems toxic! -I came to Newcastle to work as an advocate for voluntary organisations in their dealings with the regional development agency, then I had an advocacy role in the arts. Creative people don't like being confronted by their own prejudices. Creative people aren't good at complaining effectively; they're in a profession many don't think of as "real" and are often surprisingly conservative. Creatives who'd MOAN at me for hours about the lack of development opportunities and funding would NEVER share those feelings with Arse Council officers for fear of being blacklisted and overlooked for support. Arse Council officers were always outraged at such a thought, but the creatives on the other side all had experiences that proved otherwise. So I would tell the Arse Council what their clients wouldn't which didn't make me popular with "the establishment". The trouble- or at least part of it is that now that I am applying for jobs in that sector, I can almost see them realising who I am and rejecting me without consideration. I've applied for executive and entry-level jobs only to have received four interviews in a year. Perhaps my applications are old fashioned, but I can't find anywhere to review them for me or tell me what is required at the moment. And then there is my health: lol; the way I feel at the moment I'd appreciate a holiday as soon as I get a job... -that is; assuming that it will someday happen.

Perhaps I don't really want a job (like that) and have been subconsciously messing up so as not to be offered anything. It is true that I have had my fill and then some of working for people whom I find it hard to respect because of their ignorance of what the organisation is actually doing as opposed to what they think it should be doing. It would be cool not to have to compromise to accommodate the caution of trustees for once!... But for once; my ideas-centre seems sluggish! I think I need... something! -A holiday? A partner? A lottery jackpot? All three?