Fear Factor

How easy it has become to score points in an argument by accusing an opponent of being aggressive or claiming to be intimidated by them. I don't advocate bullying and bluster, but is it really so wrong to expect people to stand up for themselves in an argument rather than to put on the "hurt" face and manufacture tears in search of sympathy?

Given the option, I avoid conflict and I am careful not to engage in one when I'm angry; it has a mildly toxic effect on me;  my lips quiver and I can feel sick. At the same time: I find it hard to ignore obvious injustice. I get irritated by ineffectual people who hide behind their job titles and do just enough to maintain their positions. I reported to someone in my only public sector job who was truly pathetic. I used to have to actively meditate before my regular meetings with this individual because so much of what they said incensed me to the point of wanting to slap them. One day, I was told that something I used to do as a matter of habit in former jobs was "impossible". My polite response was to say that just because it might be something they couldn't do or hadn't though of, it was far from "impossible" and if they wanted me not to do it I would comply- during work time, but it would not stop me doing it on my own time. Tears followed... I eyed this "manager" with distaste and contempt and could only think about the fact they were being paid £7,000 pa more than me...

Was it my fault this person was intimidated by me? Am I to feel guilty because of my physical size, experience, confidence and passions? I am a product of the emotional environments I've lived through in more ways than are immediately obvious. I could easily have become a down-trodden withdrawn sad individual not unlike too many Gay men of my age I have encountered. I could have become just another black male failure. I could have had nothing in my life about which I feel proud, am I to check all that at the door when being challenged by insecure people in positions of authority?

I KNOW more people support my aims for the development of the Intercultural Arts Centre project than oppose it, but few of them have the confidence to show that support. For five years I championed minority ethnic arts and artists in North East England: I ensured they were considered and included in development strategies, I brokered meetings with venues, helped them to raise funds cut through the interracial bullshits to get people working together for their mutual benefits. But so few of them have the revolutionary zeal necessary to effect real change. They're passionate in each other's company but in the presence of gatekeepers and decision-makers, they fawn and smile and pretend everything in the garden smells of rosebuds.

They fear being labelled as trouble-makers and future requests for funding and support being inexplicably rejected. Look at the "winners" in ACE funding in North East England and they have much in common, especially in their relationships with the Agency's officers. What they fail to notice is that their compliance does little more than maintain a status quo that sees them receive the occasional tit bit whilst the lions share goes to those almost literally in bed with the powers that be! 

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