Autumnal

  

A couple of months ago, I wrote about "drifting"; it was a feeling that my days were morphing into one another without the sense of achievement to which I have grown accustomed when I have been employed. Not a HUGE amount has changed since then, I suppose that I am quietly accepting a lower set of expectations for myself. 

I've had the last pre-selection session with my supervising social worker before an online 'panel' where they will interview me and review paperwork etc. I hope there will be no issues- my run-in with the potty- mouthed woman in 2015 that led to ME getting fined for calling her a "Fat Slag" has been mentioned. I suspect nothing will come of it as it was a six month suspended sentence so has been vacated long ago. There are things about interacting with public sector agencies that are immensely frustrating when their actions are held up to even basic 'common sense'; individual operatives fear deviation from rules and proceedures- they're more likely to be censured for non-compliance with procedure than if someone dies. (SLIGHT eaxaggeration!)

I have been thinking about what it might be like to have responsibility for a foster child with 'complex needs'. I quietly hope they will match me with a young one: I fantasise that I will have more influence on a younger person than with a "troubled teen". I do feel able to "cope" with just about -or at least most of the things I'm likely to encounter, but I want or at least hope to be able to do much more than just "cope". The issue with older teens (generalising of course) is that they're often resistant to influence and they know everything hey think they need to. I hope to be able to do more than simply house a young person, I've joked that I'd like to see charges of mine heading off to become Lord Mayors etc. -but it isn't really a joke. -The young man who will be leaving me in December (hopefully) is in many ways my main inspiration for making the change from Supported Lodgings to Fostering: as an "Approved Landlord" I am not expected to have a direct influence on my tenants outside of rules about running my house. But each of the lads I've hosted have needed MUCH more than that. I feel like Miss Jean Brodie "Give me a [boy] at an impressionable age..." In three years I've made an impression on my current lodger who, after spending half his life in care has become hampered by the need for permission to do anything, which has affected even his relationships with his peers.

My only regular adult interaction is with my remaining bubble mate. It has apparently been ten weeks since the third member of our trio fell out this time with the other if us- it was with me last time. She is apparently waiting for an apology she does not deserve and will not get. Her son contacted our friend asking him to pretend to apologise to her because she is "getting bad"- which seems to mean that it is more difficult for them to deal with her. Of course he refused. She is a 'character' who is used to being indulged by family and friends, but she crosses lines regularly in the expectation of being indulged. It doesn't work with us, we commented that it was unfortunate, but also a lot less hassle not to have to make preparations and allowances for her- it had become like an weekly state visit! She, (not unlike my mother), didn't really do gratitude and could avoid pleasantries like 'thanks' by finding fault in whatever was presented to her.

I'm enjoying my cats! -Though now that I am at home so much, I increasing hanker after a dog, unfortunately I'm pretty sure that the cats would not be impressed and it wouldn't be fair on them- except possibly if it was a puppy. I do pander to the cats quite a lot, but it means that they're relaxed and generally happy. If i were to get a dog it would be from a rescue situation and puppies are more attractive to most than older dogs who would therefore be more attractive to me. My intermittent claudication restricts my walking, but having a dog would force that issue.

Physically, I am doing little more than intermittent trips to the shops and housework. Most nights I find myself resolving to USE the snazzy rowing machine I got from Richard via Garry and most days I sit in front of the computer and don't. There are also some writing projects percolating which it is long past time to get them written, I'm using a blog to garner the main ideas of a  memoire- once I can decide how to write what really happened without triggering law suits!

What I REALLY want is the People Centre. I hear that Laurieston Hall have suspended its people centre activities for the foreseeable future. I'm sad about that and glad that I didn't throw in my lot with them. The reason I wanted to be there was the People Centre, but some of the 'core' original members seem to have grown against it and the way two members were 'encouraged to leave' the collective still shocks me when I think about it because I would never have expected that kind of behaviour from this group who taught me so much about community. I suppose it proves their humanity. My only route to the "Albion Homesteads Alliance" is to win the lottery or have someone donate an estate. 

It could happen.

Gandalf was buried this week.

I miss Fabrice.