Questing for Community.

I am forever grateful to an ex partner who introduced me to 'retreat-style' holidays with gay men in my late twenties.

I hid my scepticism -born smirks at the idea of a load of gay men together in some Scottish mansion fir ten days as I'd never experienced a gay gathering where shagging wasn't the main or ultimate aim of the encounter. I think I was the only Black man out of a group of sixty, but I was curious and excited enough not to dwell on it. I was so used to it by that time that noticing other Black men at events etc was a thing to acknowledge. I was also one of the younger men there and automatic but polite defences were up. 

in the event I was pleasantly surprised by how unlike my minor dread it actually was. Sex was certainly 'on the menu' so to speak; but it was certainly not the main course. I was hooked on the exploration of  strategies for existing as a true self in a society which was actively hostile to us achieving anything that could be compared to a 'normal comfortable life'. We were becoming tolerated for the supposed economic power of 'the Pink Pound' but the pervading feeling was that we shouldn't be allowed to be comfortable enough to stop looking over our shoulders so they ensured we would have to continue having inequalities like The Age of Consent and marriage rights constantly rubbed in our faces .

Creating an escapist utopia is every 'hippie-type's dream at one point or other and a group of us started something I'm still pursuing today. That project didn't happen because when we found a property that offered almost everything on our checklist that we could collectively afford- THEN discussions about how the differing size of financial contributions were likely to have implications of power imbalances at times of critical decision making. We were fortunate to make contact with someone who'd been part of the original group who took over the Scottish project. He told us that he had left after 2 years of development work was outvoted at a 2 hour meeting. He (and others) decided to leave but had sold homes to buy the mansion, the project couldn't buy them out and they left with nothing rather than destroy EVERYTHING they'd been part of. In late middle age he had had to start again, in the city which was what he had gone to Scotland to avoid.

That was the end of that. I didn't own any property so I had ZERO say anyway, but I never gave up the idea. Today I saw some social media from the group with whom I visited Scotland. The reason I stopped participating was because they seemed incapable of change. They've TALKED about development since I met them but have effectively driven men with any maveric or creative energies away, and they seem to be the kind of gay men who fear women.

The Fae were better, for a time, but I need something a bit more solid that can soar and take me to new levels of understanding being Black and Gay in the UK (cute ryhme!). It wasn't until I was asked to subjugate my Blackness to my Gayness to be assimilated into the group that I realised my quest for community continues... I envy much of what I see amongst American Black Gay men, but I would hate to live there. Of course I am living in the absolute worst place in England to find Black gay company but, I'm checking out more and more stuff on line, who knows; I might find my place, and if I can't I'll build it.