Sexual Annoyance
Like many single people, a year into the pandemic and with the sun making more frequent appearances so that more men started wearing less clothing, my mind wandered into some torrid fantasies. Well, I say "torrid" but I am a romantic at heart which adds to the problem. I'm a gay man in UK: If I want sex I can find it, anything more seems almost impossible! Things are much better now than in the time of my teenage sexual awakenings: when I think of the amount of time I put into ranging across London looking for cock It embarrasses me. It is so much better now: there are so many ways to "hook up" that don't even include leaving one's home. Sadly of course, an easier access to men seeking sexual congress has no impact in the 'quality' of those men. Also, I live in a city whose culture is based on booze and football, I'm not that into either of those things. The Gay bars bored me rigid a long time before I stopped bothering with them altogether so it is no surprise that my circle of live friends has dwindled and with it; the likelihood of meeting someone "naturally".
LOL: I accept the cheek of a sixty year old man talking about "quality" in this context: cruising fir sex does seem to be a young person's game, older men are too easily branded "sad" or "perverts". I suppose that in a more perfect world, sixty-year-olds like me would expect to have hooked up permanently by that age if they wanted to. Ironically; I am pretty sure that my determination to become part of a "committed relationship" as we used to call them, has contributed to me remaining single! -Guys in whom I was interested rarely wanted more than possibly serial shags. By the time I was twenty-five I'd probably had more sexual partners than the average heterosexual had in their entire life. That is no boast- especially as I was actively looking for a partner (most of the time!). It often got to the point where it felt like the right time to see if there was any more to the proto-relationship only for the discussion to reveal no intention of it developing any further. I accept that I did have a couple of deal-breaker points like wanting to parent but it remains that I spent more time as a sexually exotic "other" than a potential partner. Guys who told me my eagerness for a monogamous or at least 'foundation' relationship displayed "latent heterosexuality", have spent much of the last twenty years partnered. They shagged their ways happily through hook-ups till they found or were found by one that 'fit'. I possibly wasted time by being "picky", but I can't avoid the added issue of my ethnicity and of guys who "haven't done it with a Black lad" etc and the sense or suspicion of being some sort of trophy, none of which is conducive to anything lasting.
Generally, I have no problem with being single, but I do have an enormous bed (bought when I was going out with someone who was over 2m tall) and the irony of being alone in acres of space isn't lost on me. Some Sunday mornings get to me too, along with the Christmas to New Year season...
...So, as I said: I know how to go about hooking up for sex, so I did.
OK, so after MUCH effort and two less-than-exciting encounters with overweight guys on the down-low from their wives I found myself feeling profound regret at having even thought of returning to "online dating" (which is a much more acceptable title than what actually happens"). When you're hungry for a thing, your standards slip- at least it does for me. The aftermath though: ugh I didn't get the "buzz" I wanted, I felt soiled so I left the app. My regret had a philosphical aspect: It reminded me to value myself much more highly than my two-week foray into local dating apps gave me credit for. "Local" is an important part of all this: as much as I LOVE being in Newcastle, it has, without doubt, THE worst "Scene" I've ever experienced and the dating scene s saturated with married men! One of the triumvirate of crooks who own the Gay (sic) bars died before Christmas, it remains to be seen whether the inevitable changes will be anything more than cosmetic. I confess that the idea of checking the scene out chills me to the bone: I expect nothing to have changed right down to posters on walls which have been in the same places for most of the time I have lived here. The lack of political awareness amongst the Gay men I used to know is SO LOW that I feel like a complete outsider if I mention anything about community development and experience blank or bemused looks in response
I might have some level of sexual addiction- it is hard to decide: I have always had a "healthy" sex drive, but I've been so disappointed with the guys who have been available here that I've turned more and more to porn- it is MUCH less hassle and the ultimate safe sex after all! I do worry about getting so used to sexual fantasy that real life encounters no longer compare.
The absolute worst part (?)... yes, the worst part is my LOVE for my straight best friend. He is stunningly handsome, french and a body-builder/cyclist (!). I love him without embarrassment or pretence and although he is undoubtedly beautiful, my love isn't based on sexual lust... Hmmm... having written that I had to think about it: I think that if my friend were not straight, now married (to an equally beautiful woman) with two children (one of whom is my godchild) AND was sexually interested in me I WOULD flip the switch in my head and devote myself to him and be hysterically happy for the rest of my days, but I have known him since 1996 and we remain such close friends because I DON'T come on to him and never have done... In some ways he has contributed to my problems because I have never met anyone who comes CLOSE to the way I felt about him before I even actually met him face to face. -He is the original hard act to follow because his external beauty is matched by the way he is; people meet and like him instantly.
Sixty years old isn't THAT old! I confess I'd like to find someone with whom to share the next twenty or thirty years. If not I'll just have to be careful not to go too mad on the porn sites! Perhaps I can get my friend cloned!
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