Positive Future

“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.”

Albert Camus

I could kick myself for the time I wasted trying to help someone else fulfil their dream while putting my own on hold. I recognise a recurrent character trait that leads me to sabotage my own success over and over again: I start things with passion and enthusiasm but withdraw or hand the baton to another at the last moment- not from fear but embarrassment! -I am susceptible to the envious and ineffective who sit on the sidelines and make comments about my motivations and perceived megalomania. In truth: I'm usually motivated by the need to see positive and effective development; I don't need to be the one at the helm. -With hindsight, that has been the mistake:  when I should have held the reins and driven things in the direction I believed was right and had planned for a project, I have handed them to someone else.

""...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

'A Return To Love' (1992) by Marianne Williamson

These past few weeks I have reinspired myself: I have been back on track as I mentioned in my last blog but my irritation is that it will take time to raise the money to implement the ideas I've been developing. An exciting by-product is that there will be real work for several collaborators too. Encouragingly; the professionals and friends with whom I've shared the ideas have been as interested and excited and this time, I'm willing to see it right through to its conclusion as the 'Big Cheese'/'Head Honcho. MY direction and my decisions will hold sway. I am disinclined to be a dictator; I don't believe that role is sustainable, but I will guard that casting vote and final decision with tooth and claw for once, regardless of how frightening it might be to myself or others. 

I have been accused of being a bully, or shouting people down when my motivations have been to express my point with passion and integrity. I have grown accustomed to attempting to "tone myself down" and not "letting my highest self play the game". I need to work with people as or more robust and enthusiastic and passionate as I am for a change, people who can challenge and support in creative ways so as not to have to 'pussyfoot' around them to get things done.

The three months I wasted have left me chronically short of cash and a poor prospect for a loan, so all I can do is to keep pushing forward to raise development funds through my community interest company and be in a position where I can do what I know needs to be done, this time without distraction or compromise.