Wildewire

-Perhaps. Tomorrow, the long-postponed 'panel' to assess my suitability to be a Foster Carer is scheduled to finally take place. In some ways I'm actually grateful for the delay: it has given me a LOT of time for introspection. Of course I expected my character to be examined for this role, but I never expected it to be actually challenged after my past experiences with young people as a trainer, mentor, godparent! I've run the gamut of emotions ever since the panel was postponed: from fury to despair. It was over a year ago that I first raised my intentions to transfer from 'Supported Lodgings' to Fostering, I was clear that I wanted it done by December 2021 when my longest residing lodger was supposed to have left (he hasn't). It has been a bit of a life-saver that my lodger is still here as he provides my main income - apart from having recieved £936 from them by mistake after my asylum-seeking lodger did a runner. Of course I have to repay it, but withou...

Black people in white majority countries are taught from a young age how unacceptable their full selves are in white company. I dare to add that if you're Gay as well then you often lack access to the Black community's support. A deference for white people is the insidious norm- even when families teach their children to be wary of white authority whether awarded or assumed. As example, I was abused by a nasty white woman with her brood, one of which I caught green-handed having reached over my garden fence to yank off a hunk of the clematis growing there. Despite the hideous female repeatedly calling me a " stupid fokkin' cont ' at the top of her lungs, she, of course, reported to the police that she and her children where confronted by a big, frightening Black man and, the rest is history. - Of course they took the word of a semi literate mother (of three kids by three men) over that of an articulated and educated BLACK man. It is such a cliche it is almost funny...

I was watching something on TV which talked about the difficulties faced by Black men in white majority societies whenever they gain a position of leadership or focus. I tend not to attribute things like that to my own situation, partially because it feels like an excuse, but this idea rattled about in my head. Black men and women who achieve any leadership or representative position are often given the choice of toeing the line almost in the hope of their ethnicity not being noticed, or running the gauntlet of being casually othered if not subjected to overt racism.  Black workers are habitually subjected to greater scrutiny, expectations are lower: Black managers contend with the rumours that their appointment was political rather than based on their merits. The remit of my first job did not match the needs and demands of the "underprivileged" young Black clients so I instinctively developed the service to match the need. I did that partially because it was needed but also ...

So, I was contacted today by one of the straight white women from the fostering panel booked for tomorrow. She apologised, but told me that the panel will now be delayed for another week. Of course, I asked "why?" and was given a 'newspeak' answer which, even after a repeat when I said I didn't understand, I didn't understand. They spoke about 'ensuring a robust procedure'... They tried to present it as if they were doing me some kind of favour! It was something about the way that the images that were questioned had been identified.  I asked if there was any point in the delay as it seemed suspiciously to me as though a decision had aleady been made and I would prefer not to go through the experience just for the sake of their procedures. I was assured that was not the case. The person with whom I spoke said they were an advisor to the panel and that they had endorsed my application. LOL that's two of them who have privately told me they have endor...

 - and a certain amount of anger! I was prompted to be a foster carer after dealing with the lads I've had as care-leaving lodgers since 2019: Only one of them, in my opinion, has what he needs to survive without social services support. One has been in care since he was ten, he's now twenty-one and his understanding of the world is "limited" to say the least. The stories I've been told about what has passed for "care" made me furious and determined to be the best foster carer I could be. Of course, I expected my character to be investigated but I was not prepared for it to be questioned. First there was immense who-ha about my encounter with the law in 2014 when I was abused by a woman whom I ended up calling a "fat slag" after she'd spent ten minutes calling me a "stupid fokkin' cont". She told the police that she and her small children had been traumatised by their encounter with a large black man and because I admitted to ...

My visitor left this morning. I feel some shame about the relief I felt when his van finally disappeared from the front of my house. He did a great deal for me whilst he was here, not least replacing and installing a radiator in my bedroom which he ordered, collected and paid for. As that radiator never worked very well up to the day the pressure from the new boiler caused it to leak water into the lounge below and it has been switched off ever since, after his handywork, my bedroom and the first flooor landing was warm for the first time since I moved in. My friend is a builder; to him, it was pretty routine. I knew he was making money as he made a pretty life-saving loan to me in the past, but only now do I appreciate how LOADED he is as he is trying to make sure his wife does not get her hands on more than he thinks she should. That presented a bit of a problem as I have become used to frugality and low waste whilst he, on 'holiday', was spending cash for fun! It was also di...