Drifting...

The current  "lockdown" is proving to be a lot more difficult for me than the first one. Little has materially changed for me- apart from the weather which has been decidedly wintry for a couple of weeks- a thaw has started today.

I found that my cancer is back, but since I was first diagnosed thirteen years ago, treatment has improved so that, whilst I was told originally that when I got to this point it would mean whipping out a kidney or perhaps two and being reliant on dialysis hereafter. Now, I am informed that they can use a robot to target the 2.5cm lesion and I should be out of hospital in two days- unless I bleed uncontrolably or some such. I am almost looking forward to it. I'm "low priority" so will keep being shunted to the bottom of the queue until they're ready for me. I'm bothered by the potential need for a will though, I will do it just to make sure nothing goes to my criminal brothers!

I've decided that looking for work is a waste of time! I am far from "spent" regarding my willingness to work and things I'd still like to achieve, but after TWO YEARS of applying for jobs I could literally do in my spare time and not being shortlisted, after changing the way I present applications, after ENSURING I address EVERYTHING asked for in "person specifications" and STILL not getting a sniff I can only wonder what the problem is. Oh: I forgot that I was short-listed for a job at The Great North Museum about three months ago, but it is on hold blah, blah, blah! I did get some feedback from a potential employer recently which sort of floored me: In essence they said they were impressed with what I had done, with the examples I'd presented etc and they noted that I have achieved much on my own or when working for under-resourced organisations and that I have habitually delivered more than was expected and in less time BUT... I had not said that I plan projects and operations myself...(!!!!). I mean, REALLY?... No, honestly: REALLY?... I even mentioned the time I raised £3m to fund a Regional Heritage Skills training scheme in my own time while on secondment to the Regional Museums Hub and the time I took over a failing national Arts Council England initiative and ensured it delivered its aims.  I can only suppose that the real reason for my continued failure to find work is my age/myreputation/my sexuality/my ethnicity/all the above! While government invests in new training and funnels youngsters through it, they have redesigned the playing field to exclude exprienced people who have not acquired the new qualifications. In my own case, when I went to work in a boarding school after I finished university, that would have been enough for me to get work in schools after my Post Grad course, sadly that is no longer the case so the second career as a teacher I had planned when I was in my twenties is only possible if I take a TWO YEAR teaching course despite teaching/training for three years straight out of college and having trained professional actors like Idriss Elba. 

I have decided to become a Foster Carer: I did almost all the required stuff when I became an "Approved Landlord" for kids leaving 'Care'. Having heard some horror stories from the lads I've looked after I KNOW I can deliver value for money and to ensure any kids who came into my care would be looked after as well as any in the city. Fostering also pays about three times more than the Approved Landlord stuff does and would mean that my bills etc would be paid and I would not have to be wasting my time looking for work with people who don't want me.

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want the People Centre project to happen, it is the only thing that really makes sense to me at the moment. I have fallen out of love with "The Fae" as an entity, but would be happy to host them if they came. Their "High Priest" has been saying stupid shit about Covid 19 and responses to the pandemic. I was pleased to see that someone called him out- very delicately but effectively and prompted a partial backtrack. I realise that, had we taken on a mortgage on a place as was the original plan, we would be in the process of trying to sell it now as we would have been without an income for a year. The only way for the project to work would be for the property to be owned by the charity from the beginning- or at least for it not to have a mortgage hangin over it.

It is a definite weakness/character flaw of mine to be so strongly defined by what I "do" (i.e. for a living), I haven't "DONE" very much for a couple of years and it is beginning to seep into my being that perhaps I'm not "very much" either.