Unburdened
When I was away a couple of weeks ago, I found myself moaning about how unhygienic the was boy to a friend who said that all 17 year olds are like that. Well, I wasn't! I won't go into details here as I am trying to shed the baggage accumulated over the last four years, but there is one detail I WILL share: The boy has long hair. I had no objection as long as he kept it clean etc... He didn't. His hair is EVERYWHERE in my house. When I left him at the airport he thanked me and said he really appreciated what I had done for him, but if that were true he would have made SOME effort to clean his room before he left. He may have been sincere, but I have struggled to accept things that he says because he thinks he should say them rather than because he believes or feels them. As it was: in under TWO MINUTES, I had to switch off the vacuum cleaner because it had begun to smoke: There was so much hair tangled up in the brushes that they'd stopped rotating and the friction was about to ignite the hair. I had to rush to dismantle the machine before it burst into flames! Then there was the cat shit in his wardrobe... The cat died nearly two years ago I realise...
Despite spending much of my week end trying to get that room habitable, I do feel 'lighter' in my home. I have had four years of trying to understand and communicate with someone who showed no signs of caring so long as his internet connection was operational. I have questioned my abilities as a teacher: I realise that I have only ever taught people who wanted to learn. My godson was convinced he didn't need to learn anything and I wasn't equipped or prepared to "put him under heavy manners". I think that by the time a parent has to take those actions, its already too late. The values and life-skills I wanted to teach/share with him just didn't interest him and he began to affect a sullen acquiescence to my attempts at instruction until I realised he was merely humouring me so that I'd quit hassling him and leave.
I'm a bit pissed off by the fact that I'd been accepted to foster for the council a week before I got the call from my godson's father asking if I'd take him. I couldn't really say no to my own godson and yes to "strangers", but I wish now, that I had. I believe I could have given a great 4 years to the right kid. It was so frustrating to be 'rearing' a kid who was universally believed to be bright but who just couldn't be bothered to learn anything because he thought it was irrelevant. A friend's ex-girlfriend is actively considering putting her son into a boarding school because he doesn't want to emigrate to Spain with her- She's clearly having a mid-life crisis and her son, who is one of the nicest kids I think I have ever met is being scrunched by her selfishness. Despite the failure with my Godson I realise I still have some parenting in me and it frustrates and upsets me that I'm not able to offer this kid what I wasted on my godson.
I have invited a friend in need to lodge -he's been here almost constantly since his partner got bored with her toyboy and kicked him out. -Another 'Geordie' woman who is a complete nightmare! Honestly: they're no advert for hetero-normality; I am relieved to be gay. I am most relieved not to have responsibility for a kid who showed no acknowledgement that anything was actually being done for him.
My expenses have dropped dramatically too :-)
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