Natural Wastage

When I think about it, there are things about even the people I love most that I wish were different about them, not enough to actually want to change, but that I just wish were different. I don't think I am alone in that or that it makes me any more of a horrible person than I am already- I KNOW there are things about me that those closest to me wish were different about ME too. Most of the time those things are just there- I accept them- WE accept them about each other because fundamentally our love or affection trumps these 'imperfections' or hides them in the background.

The man I love most in the world and more than anyone I have met in my life- who happens to be straight and our relationship is purely platonic, turns out to have pretty unacceptable views about Muslims- it is to do with where he lives and his up-bringing etc. We sometimes 'discuss' it and I am often ashamed at not delving deeper for fear of damaging what we have together.

I recently crossed someone off my 'Christmas card list' after the latest episode of me doing free/at-risk administration for him/his organisation until I needed answers to very straight-forward questions so that I could complete applications for funding on his behalf. Though this individual bleats constantly about the lack of support he gets and claims it is because he is black and won't indulge in the 'white middle class crap' of those he perceives to be in power, the reality is closer to him having little respect for the administration, planning and management of those around him- as an 'artist' only his art is important.

So I was reviewing the work I had been doing for a handful of clients (I call myself "A Professional Beggar" as I raise money for not-for-profit organisations) and realised that I had already done more work for this organisation than would be covered by my organisation's cut from a successful application. In the past I have written job descriptions, submitted project proposals, drafted the community interest company papers, advised him on developing a board and constitution etc. In this case: I wrote a carefully-worded message explaining that we were out of pocket already on their behalf and saying that we would be unable to do any more work for them -at least until we'd got the info requested for about 8 weeks. I even ended the message by saying that this was not at all personal, but hoped it would make business sense to the reader. I was wrong: I got a phone call laced with the characteristic 'Yardie' threats about "if you ever send me a message like that again..." etc.

BAM!

I gave as good as he tried to give me and within hours I was wondering why I had been friendly with him at all! He is aggressive, competitive, arrogant, refuses to see things from any perspective than his own and is over-fond of telling me about the "Bad people" he know and on whom he can call at a moment's notice to do bad things on his behalf. He had the temerity to forward my message to his Board as an explanation for my resignation as a result of this conversation- which pleased me as it exposed that I had been reasonable (by all accounts) and revealed him to be... Someone who cannot take criticism -real or perceived. 

Interestingly, now that I am not publicly aligned with this individual, other acquaintances have shared anecdotes that reveal the nasty side of this guy that he never actually showed me. I realise that, as one of the few black men working in the arts in this region, it was perhaps obvious that we would become allies, but his continued contempt for the contributions I have made to his organisation had to end sometime.

Once he has repaid a loan I made to him last year I will have no difficulty in forgetting any past connections.