Distracted

OK so: I HAVE been getting back into the work flow; I'm on the trail of some "partnership funding" for a project for which I got HLF funding last year but failed to secure the required additional bit to release the grant. My brief stint in Blyth put the project on the back burner but HLF confirmed they'd be willing to grant an extension (better than letting the cash go back to London!) so I'm back on the hunt. This time, two of my colleagues find themselves in similar situations re work and are more actively involved so it feels like we can really do it this time. I've also won a commission to write some funding applications for an LGBT organisation in Darlington, so things are looking... OK.

The thing is that my Love Life has intruded on my work life. I don't really have much of a "love life" these days, though, as a single gay around town I'm not celibate! But I am an old fashioned sort who wants what he has wanted from the acceptance of his sexuality in his late teens: a monogamous relationship that I would not to have to hide. Things were changing rapidly in the late 1970s, but somehow I felt I was JUST too late/early to benefit from changing attitudes. To be black AND gay... or rather: to be gay AND black was a complicated identity. In gay company I struggled with objectification and my perceived exoticism expressed by some potential partners, I wasn't "out" till I was in my third year at university and had even spent a couple of years actively trying NOT to be gay. The grass may always be greener elsewhere, but I look at what Gay men have going for them here in UK today and I can't help thinking how different my life might have been to have been 21 today.

By the time I found myself a relatively independent adult, life had changed so much for Gay UK men that we just flaunted ourselves and our sexuality where ever and whenever we wanted to, the AIDS pandemic served to slow things down but not to change attitudes once the concept of "safer sex" became known. It was common for guys to meet and shag to establish compatibility, I reacted against that. "Serial Monogamy" became an accepted form of relationship that seemed to mean that couples were faithful to each other until one found someone with more- money, pecs, dick length, homes holidays, whatever. By the late 80s it seemed to me that we were just taking our freedoms for granted even though we were far from being on an equal footing to our heterosexual counterparts, as long as there were lots of places for us to meet to have sex, it was OK. Some of my friends who were fully paid up members of the "Nice to meet you, let's shag" crew accused me of being a "Latent heterosexual" because of my eagerness to couple. Ironically, most of them have experienced long term relationships compared to my two of 9 months and 3 years respectively.

When I moved to the region of England with the smallest immigrant population, a succession of gay men and straight women told me that they'd "never done it with a black lad, like". I was unimpressed to be relegated to the level of a novelty.

One day I decided to look abroad using online dating sites, to places where the freedoms we enjoy in this country are only dreamed of by LGBT people. I worked out all the stuff about potential power imbalances and my fear of being with someone who felt they "owed me" something and stayed with me out of gratitude (shudder), avoided countries whose citizens would find it difficult or impossible to immigrate here and I have become quite adept at spotting scammers. So when someone 25 years my junior (!!!! who is incidentally quite gorgeous) contacted me in the new year, I was dismissive to the point of rudeness. But he persisted, insisting he knew what he wanted, showing me that other members of the site had offered to take him away and support him etc but that he had rebuffed their advances because of the overt sexuality of their profiles and messages. It was the fact that I had stated that sex was not my main motivation that he said attracted him and his own profile reflected a similar attitude.

So, gradually, my defenses have been eroded and I am actually contemplating hosting this guy for a couple of months to see if there is anything to this. If there is, he will return and we will begin to make more permanent arrangements. I have repeated over and again that if what he really wants is just an escape route from a country where a macho culture and threats of real violence forces Gay men to remain closeted, he does not have to lie to me to gain my support. He always expresses much pain when I say those things. I have concluded that he is either the best scammer I have encountered, or he might actually be sincere!!!

I am not naive: I expect to be conned and will continue to expect that it is proved otherwise. I know that if I do meet him, I will know within minutes how sincere he actually is. I also realise that I am so emotionally invested now that it will be hard for me to recover if it IS a scam and it will definitely be my last foray into internet dating. I have proved to myself that I CAN function well alone, I don't need a partner to complete me... but I confess it would be nice.

All this has been a distraction from getting back to the grind, I can only hope it has been worthwhile.