Realisations

After conversations I've had with friends and enemies over the last few days, one thing has become clear to me: I am tired of being any sort of leader.

After nearly 30 years of overall success of proving and re-proving my abilities and my worth; of surpassing expectations and leaving jobs and projects very obviously better than they were before my input, I question my current abilities in a leadership role and I realise how much I now resent standing up for people who won't stand up for themselves.

I am tired of fighting people in positions of supposed public service who think they're in positions of power and work only to maintain those positions for themselves.

I despise those people who moan to me about the trouble with the creative sector in North East England but smile, cow-tow and fawn to the people about whom they complain.

I have no energy to devote to another slog towards an uncertain goal or rather I CHOOSE not to work unrewarded except by resentment and articulated assumptions of my megalomania.

I want to make theatre- for me, not representing anyone else, if only to prove I am better than most of the mediocre crap that masquerades as art in this region.

I will fulfil the roles I have accepted to date until I can pass the shit cans to the next sucker.

Because... I'm worth a hell of a lot more than I've been getting for a while and I feel embittered by battles where I have been restricted from fighting at full strength for fear of frightening feeble lightweights into declaring me a bully so that they have been able to collectively 'jump me' to get their own ways.

Nah... No more. If I am going down, it will be in a blaze of my own creation, showing exactly what I am fully capable of and entirely on my terms. If they feared me before... heh, heh, heh.