Realisations

After conversations I've had with friends and enemies over the last few days, one thing has become clear to me: I am tired of being any sort of leader.


 After nearly 30 years of overall success of proving and re-proving my abilities and my worth; of surpassing expectations and leaving jobs and projects very obviously better than they were before my input, I question my current abilities in a leadership role and I realise how much I now resent standing up for people who won't stand up for themselves.

I am tired of fighting people in positions of supposed public service who think they're in positions of power and work only to maintain those positions for themselves.

I despise those people who moan to me about the trouble with the creative sector in North East England but smile, cow-tow and fawn to the people about whom they complain.

I have no energy to devote to another slog towards an uncertain goal or rather I CHOOSE not to work unrewarded except by resentment and articulated assumptions of my megalomania.

I want to make theatre- for me, not representing anyone else, if only to prove I am better than most of the mediocre crap that masquerades as art in this region.

I will fulfil the roles I have accepted to date until I can pass the shit cans to the next sucker.

 Because... I'm worth a hell of a lot more than I've been getting for a while and I feel embittered by battles where I have been restricted from fighting at full strength for fear of frightening feeble lightweights into declaring me a bully so that they have been able to collectively 'jump me' to get their own ways.

 Nah... No more. If I am going down, it will be in a blaze of my own creation, showing exactly what I am fully capable of and entirely on my terms. If they feared me before... heh, heh, heh.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Laurieston Arrival

Image
I doubt I'll be able to express my true feelings at actually arriving at Laurieston Hall for an Edward Carpenter Community, Gay Men's Week. I'm one of MANY people who regard Laurieston as my "Spirtual Home"- a palpable feeling hits me when I turn off the road onto the drive to the Hall. I was all the more keen to come this year when I discovered that this MIGHT be the last 'Season' that the Lauriestonians welcome visitors- at least for a while, Edward Carpenter Community have been coming here for 31 years. Despite a 12 year gap that ended last year, this is my 15th ECC event and almost all of them have been at Laurieston. There are over 60 gay men here from all over UK. So, getting here was a doddle from Newcastle- apart from taking a wrong turning off the M6 and refusing to trust the Sat Nav when I got to Laurieston (from a new direction) and going 4 miles AWAY from the house until I realised... Oh, and I spun off the road on a country road approching...
Read more

Another One Bites The Dust!

Image
A reason for no blogs since November has been because we were asked to take in a lad whose placement had come to an end because his former carers were old and had health issues. I will write up stuff about our holiday in Menton... It was just before Christmas when I was contacted about this lad and I felt cornered. There is supposed to be a get-to-know-you period before placements, but it has NEVER happened! It is ALWAYS an emergency. I've repeatedly asked for a companion for the lad for whom I already care, but the lad they asked me to take on has additional needs. Rather than being a companion, and, despite being an year older than the lad I look after, it has felt like a liability having him around! Christmas was shot, as I feared going anywhere with this unknown entity who gave me constant SULLEN on full blast... I won't rehearse all the issues here, but I found myself ready to throw in the towel by January and initiated the proceedure. The following day, supposedly unpromp...
Read more

Bon Voyage, Mon Enfant!

Image
It's hard dealing with the lack of communication let alone discussion of my Godson's immediate future. Its hard not to view my part in his recent past as a failure. The point is that it is over and I need to move on whilst there is still some relationship left between us. I'm getting quite 'Zen' in covering my frustrations with calm.  My Godson has always been unwaveringly CERTAIN of any decision concerning his learning that was opposed to mine. He was SURE that the scant attention he gave to his studies would at least yield passes. He dismissed my protestations that higher grades offered greater prospects as irrelevant. In exasperation I finally  reminded him and his father that he was here to go to school and that when that ended he would leave my home. His school career recently ended when he did not secure the grades to enrol into the final year.  My Godson is and always has been capable of cruising through a standard UK education, but it wasn't impo...
Read more